indigos journal

for those not in the know, it has been hot in the Seattle metro area.  fucking hot.  with the heat comes our desire to wear sleeveless shirts.  but this also leads to a dilemma…i am fat.  and so i have those dangling chunks of upper arm fat.  and this society, of which i am a member, teaches us that fat is ugly.  so if we are to follow this formula…fat = ugly.  indigos = fat.  therefore indigos = ugly.  we, in this phobic society, teach that this ugliness should be hidden.

it doesn’t help that we are already breaking taboos…we are an obviously female bodied person (huge breasts) who also has a beard.  our genderqueerness is challenging to people.  (including to ourselves at times)

we are trying to fight all the societal bullshit, but it’s not always easy.  our internal fatphobia and childhood trauma in this area is compounded by the stares and comments of people out there.

but we really like sleeveless shirts.  not only are they cooler in hot weather, but we like the look and feel.  and wearing sleeveless lets us show off the awesome tattoo we have on our left upper arm.

at the store today there was a sleeveless hooded shirt in two awesome colors that someone inside REALLY wanted.  we gave in and let them get them.  (the shirts were pretty cheap)

so tomorrow is the annual chorus picnic and barbecue.  the someone who wanted the shirts really wants to wear one.  it’s supposed to be hot still…

i think we will probably go ahead and wear one, but i have a feeling we will feel awkward and uncomfortable at times.

other than that, we are really looking forward to seeing our chorus family, eating good food, and enjoying the awesome view.

this morning (remember…morning is relative) we have been able to print out our twits and journal entries to take to therapy.  we haven’t been able to do that in quite some time.  i’m not sure what brought on the change.  perhaps the same (unknown) thing that has permitted us to journal again.  hmmm…

we haven’t gotten any feedback/comments on our last entry.  we are trying to be mature and not take it personally.  to not think that people really do think we’re an asshole for thinking that way.

wow…that last sentence had way to much thinking in it.

maybe it is our core belief that when things suck ass they won’t ever ever get any better.  because our thinking is centered very much “in the moment”.  whatever is happening right this second is all there will ever be.  we have little faith that there will be a future, let alone one that is better than the present.

this thinking/belief has changed somewhat, but it is still very much intact.  it is something that we still battle.

stupid abusers.

we just finished reading a book in which the main character nearly commits suicide.  our reaction to the fact that he changed his mind is interesting…we were disappointed.  we wanted him to commit suicide.

in this book, the author describes how this character had obsessed over death, particularly suicide, for years.  i feel like that describes us well.  i remember being like that from a very early age…as early as i remember.  we still think about it, hear people wanting it, picture it, pretty much every day.  i’m not talking about the serious-i-have-a-plan suicidal thinking.  i’m talking about the more subtle thinking.

this isn’t the only time we’ve seen a fictional character and thought they should commit suicide.  it happens all the time…in books, movies, tv, etc. when a characters life is really fucked up, we think that way.

when things seems really hard, or when emotions are really intense, that is where our mind goes.   maybe this makes us a coward…i don’t know.  and maybe it makes us mean to think like that about other people.

i welcome feedback and comments on this issue.

night comes again and with comes the sadness, loneliness and the die messages.  it’s so hard to be feeling such intense feelings every night.

kinda feeling blocked on saying anymore.

it’s really really cool!  we sent the link with our gala photos to the choruses.  a woman we really really really like and admire sent us the sweetest and most awesome feedback.  it feels so good that someone we look up to so much really likes our pictures.

it makes us giddy and happy happy.

it is night again and we feel sad again.  we hate the night.  it seems like every night we gets real real sad.  and lonesome.  and we hear the die voice.  and the voices about how our life is pointless and meaningless.  and how that will never change.

we feel like crying.  but we ain’t been able to cry forever.  i wish we could.  that would help.

the night is sad and scary and lonely

we haven’t written a real journal entry in oh so long.  often we lie in bed thinking of things we want to say, but are unable to get up and write them.  i think we are able to try and write right now because we are at ej’s…somehow that makes it less threatening.  so maybe that is the key…writing from other people’s houses or when someone is at our house.  or maybe the key is to leave the wordpress open in a tab all the time…i don’t know.  just stuff to try.  what i do know is that we miss writing.

we’ve been reading a lot more blogs lately.  political stuff, trans stuff, disability stuff…they are inspiring, thought-provoking, angry-making.  not angry at the blog writers; angry at this culture that still supports/allows/approves of fat-bashing, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, ageism, ableism, etc. etc. etc.  it is good to be thinking of these things again; to be more aware and responsible.

we want to be like that.  a good writer who inspires and moves and provokes emotions in people.  something to work on.

speaking of ideas and working on things…and jaga and sean’s after-birthday party last night, several of us talked about creating a genderqueer chorus.  i think that would be so awesome.  i would love for it to get to the point where we could join GALA and go to the conventions and perform.  we’ve created the first step…scheduling a day to rehearse and discuss/plan.  it’s kind of an exciting!  the two main goals are music fun and genderqueer visibility.  yay!

there are lots of emotional/therapy stuff going on, but i don’t feel we can write about it at this moment.  hopefully we can soon.

stole this one from Uncommon Misconceptions as well.

Each answer can only be one word.
1. Where is your cell phone? Bed
2. Your significant other? Nonexistent
3. Your hair? Short
4. Your mother? Inconsequential
5. Your father?  Inconsequential

6. Your favorite thing? Kitty

7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your favorite drink? Pibb
9. Your dream/goal? Undetermined
10. The room you’re in? Apartment
11. Your friends? Amazing

12. Your fear? Violation
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Progressed
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. What you’re not? Singular
16. Muffins? Cupcakes
17. One of your wish list items? Tattoos
18. Where you grew up? Utah
19. The last thing you did? Read
20. What are you wishing? Relief
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pets? Unpredictable
23. Your computer? Uncooperative
24. Your life? Unpredictable

25. Your mood? Anxious
26. Missing someone? Always
27. Your car? Scooter
28. Something you’re not wearing? Clothes

29. Favorite store? Rocks
30. Your summer? Fun
31. Loves? Music
32. Your favorite word? Hyperbole
33. Last time you laughed? Forget

34. Last time you cried? Forget

we are so sad.  i don’t know why.

we do know that the hidden children (aka the autistics) were having relives of electric shock stuff with the green men.

we also know that we really want a mommy.  and it’s really sad cause we’re never gonna have one.

we also know that this is the longest we’ve ever gone  without being in a relationship.  and sometimes we feel so fat and ugly and unlovable that we won’t ever have a relationship or even playmates again.

we also know that we are scared scared scared about miami but also excited.  it will be the first time we’ve left the pacific northwest since we came here and found safety.  and it may be stupid, but we’re afraid that if we leave, even for a little while, that we will lose all of the safety and support and people.  and it may be stupid, but we’re afraid that if we leave this pocket of safety, that the bad people will know and will get us.

that is what we know right now.

except that it is time to go get ready for swimming.  yay swimming!

“stolen” from Uncommon Misconceptions, a friend’s blog.

Feel free to steal and do it too if ya want:

1. What time do you get up in the mornings?

morning? what’s that? we normally get up between 10am and noon.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
we are so not glitzy like that. we do love rocks though…

3. What was the last movie you saw at the theater?

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
House, CSI, Law & Order SVU, Without a Trace, Frasier, Star Trek TNG, Star Trek Voyager, Heroes, Jeremiah, Weeds, Farscape, Dead Like Me, we could go on forever….

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
nothing. or special k with strawberries. (that’s a new thing)

6. What is your middle name?
we do not have one.

7. What food do you dislike?
too long of a list to go into…we are very picky eaters. we love garlic beef from this local thai place, though.

8. What is your favorite singer/music group?
Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlile, Dar Williams, Cris Williamson, Peter Paul & Mary, Weird Al…again could go on. but the first three are our favorite.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
my Yamaha Riva Razz Scooter, my friend’s Toyota Prius, seattle metro transit, my feet

10. Favorite sandwich?
turkey and swiss

11. What characteristics do you despise?
passive-aggressiveness, refusal to look at one’s own stuff

12. Favorite item of clothing?
meh. it’s all the same.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would you go?

Australia

14. Favorite brand of clothing?
mostly don’t care, as long as it’s cheap. i do like king size direct, though.

15. Where would you retire to?
too far away to think of. probably right here…we love seattle.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
the kids’ birthday on june 13th.

17. Favorite sport to watch?
WNBA…Seattle Storm

18. Do you have piercings? Where?
unfortunately not…our body rejects them…

19. Can you play an instrument?
not really. unless you count my voice as an instrument.

20. When is your birthday?
body’s birthday is in november. kids’ birthday is in june.

21. Are you a morning person or a night person?
night

22. What is your shoe size?
nine/ten

23. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us?
goin to miami, baby!

24. What did you want to be when you were little?
Dead. or a therapist. if i happened to survive.

25. What is your favorite candy?
meh…trying to stay away from that shit.

26. What is your favorite flower?
a purple flower we don’t know the name of

27. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
july 11th–miami departure

28. What is your full name?
totally not sayin that in the interwebs

29. What are you listening to right now?
some crap on late night tv…haven’t turned it off yet.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
spicy chili

31. Do you wish on stars?
occasionally

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
we already are a crayon…indigo

33. How is the weather right now?
hot as fucking hell.

34. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
cassidy.

35. Favorite soft drink?
mr. pibb.

36. Favorite restaurant?
old country buffet.

37. Hair color?
Dark brown/white streaks.

38 What was your favorite toy as a child?
don’t remember.

40. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate in every way possible.

41. Coffee or Tea?
neither.

42. Do you have any pets?
kitty.

43. The last time you cried?
a couple of days ago.

44. What is under your bed?
nothing.

45. What did you do last night?
watched tv and slept

46. What are you afraid of?
people being mad at us. the bad people coming back and getting us.

47. Salty or Sweet?
Sweet.

48. How many keys on your key ring?
About five or six.

49. How many years at your current job?
disabled.

50. Favorite day of the week?
wednesdays!

51. How many towns have you lived in?
depends on your definition of “town” and your definition of “lived in”.

52. How tall are you?
5′6″.

53. How much do you weigh?
317 at last weighing. trying to lose. will get weighed at doctor tomorrow.

54. Do you have a tattoo? If, so, where?
yes–a pink triangle with a rainbow ribbon on our left shoulder. we want a bunch more. just need the money for them.

55. Are you afraid of the dark?
yes. have to have a light on to sleep