occupy this

if you are at all like me, and i know many who are, you can’t participate in the occupy movement due to disability.  we support the goals of the movement, and it hurts that we can’t be the activist that we once were.  that we ache to be.  we so want to stand up and be counted.  to be involved. to make our voice be heard.  it hurts so much that we can rarely even write about such topics, because that drives the pain home even more.

well, here is something many of us *can* do.  there is a cd compilation coming out to help support the occupy movement.  99 tracks.  99 artists.  all for $9.99.  here is the link:  http://musicforoccupy.org/

i was sad to see that some of my favorite artists did not participate.  i hope it was a logistics problems.  i hope they support the movement.

michael moore, the infamous filmmaker, recorded a track.  it’s actually pretty good.

over?

so 4-25 is officially over.  nothing happened.  there is relief, but there is also confusion and sadness.

because either we made it all up, or we weren’t good enough.

option a: we made it all up.  we read more into the dreams than there was.  we believed in “programming” that seemed to be getting worse and worse leading up to something.

option b: we weren’t good enough.  we didn’t follow the directions good enough.  we didn’t hurt ourselves in the right way and severity.  we just wasn’t good enough.

not surprisingly, the people inside who believe in option a are completely different from the ones that believe in option b.  and then there are some of us who are just confused and don’t know what to believe.  we feel so badly for worrying people and making a big deal about a date that seems to mean nothing.

on the other hand, the feelings we described in our earlier entry from just a while ago are still very much present.

4-25

we still don’t know exactly what 4-25 is supposed to bring, or how it is supposed to be important.  what we we know:

we went to full life for the first time in a long time, including art group.  it felt good.  we took some photos, which always feels really good.  we stopped at the store to get medicine and a few groceries.  we also felt good to have gotten out by ourselves and driven our scooter for 3 days in a row.

but…now we are home.  we feel so full of sadness.  like this is the end of everything.  like it is too late for us.  we don’t know why we feel these things…and despair…and as if we have no more choices available to us.  party’s over.

there is a sadness for so much left undone and unsaid.

we are scared.

lonely

so lonely…and yet we struggle to leave the house or connect with anyone.  sometimes people reach out, and we are unable to respond.  so maybe our only way to connect right now when lonely is to write here and on twitter.  worth a try, anyway.

last night we posted this on twitter:  ”Do you ever feel when you self harm that it isn’t real or doesn’t count unless someone else sees it?”  no one answered, of course.  but we are interested in people’s feedback on that one.  and it being the case, how do i have someone see it without seeming like we are bragging?  we are definitely not bragging…but the incredibly drive to harm ourselves sometimes won’t be abated unless someone else does see it and thus make it real and make it count.  i hope that makes sense.

mostly we feel shame about self harming.  but during the times of programming driving it, there are some small ones wanting to show, because they want to please the ones ordering the self harm.  like wanting to please daddy and/or mommy even when they are the one hurting you.

this is a crappy representation, it does not do it justice.  but someone *has* to see it.  it has to be real.  it has to count.