Our body is in so much pain yesterday and today. We are trying to accept that it is where we are, and not judge ourselves harshly for it. We are trying to remember that it doesn’t change our worth or qualities.
What it does mean is that we are forced to slow down and take care of ourselves. Sometimes we don’t do a very good job at that.
But that’s okay. It’s all a journey. It’s all about learning what works for us and what doesn’t As long as we accept and have compassion for ourselves, that is. If we fight against it, it just gets worse.
So we are in pain. And our activist contribution is to let that be okay. Hopefully, that in turn will inspire others to let wherever they are be okay. Hopefully.
Therapy was…therapy. Hard. Emotional filled. Hopefully productive. Not sure yet about that. Two bigs things, and lots of small things. Wolf System bigs, Wolf System littles, hidden little and a Replica System soldier came out to talk with therapist.
The littles were talking about the memory that the hiddens are stuck in. They are seated in a chair. There is a man seated to the left side of them, but they are instructed to face forward.
The man holds a handgun to their left temple. It is hot and smells funny. We can’t hear what the man is saying…he is speaking very quietly. They are terrified for their lives. Afraid to move at all. So, so scared.
We feel and see what the hiddens are experiencing. They are truly amazing.
Then there is the soldier. He is so much more complicated. So much has happened with him in the last few weeks. He is full of rage, but his hate has diminished. He is now confused and questioning things.
He doesn’t want me to say more than that, and I respect his wishes.
So we are still feeling sad, with flashes of terror and of rage. Such huge feelings. We are trying to just feel them…to think of them as the waves of the ocean.
we haven’t felt like we have anything to say. but we know that is probably a block of some kind, as we’ve had so much going on. tons of programming triggered. a new memory slamming the hiddens. (and how it relates to the bombardment of programming right now.) seeing that memory, feeling that memory. meeting a subgroup of people within the Replica System. sadness, rage. sleep problems. loneliness. feeling like we are evil. not sure what to do with any of these feelings, except to feel them.
we’ve also been in a lot of physical pain lately. not sure why. everything feels flared up.
this will be really short, as time is short…our ride to therapy will be here any minute. but hopefully writing the little bit we can will open something up so that we are able to get beyond this block. we are also working to get beyond our block to art, as you can see from the recent art posts. we want to write more and art more.
we just don’t know what to say. we’ve been suicidal a lot; in between rages. our med provider put us on a new med…it’s supposed to help with sleep and mood–especially rage. we don’t like the way it makes us feel. we feel tamped down, emotionally. like we can’t access the rage and what’s behind it. but maybe that’s because the ones full of rage have backed off. i don’t know. glad we will be seeing our therapist today…maybe she can help us make sense of it.
what i do know is that tons of people inside say they don’t like how it makes us feel. apathetic is the word that comes to mind.
Not really a full post. But we wanted to share an article that we think is worth taking the time to read.