Posted by indigo on May 4, 2012
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if you are at all like me, and i know many who are, you can’t participate in the occupy movement due to disability. we support the goals of the movement, and it hurts that we can’t be the activist that we once were. that we ache to be. we so want to stand up and be counted. to be involved. to make our voice be heard. it hurts so much that we can rarely even write about such topics, because that drives the pain home even more.
well, here is something many of us *can* do. there is a cd compilation coming out to help support the occupy movement. 99 tracks. 99 artists. all for $9.99. here is the link: http://musicforoccupy.org/
i was sad to see that some of my favorite artists did not participate. i hope it was a logistics problems. i hope they support the movement.
michael moore, the infamous filmmaker, recorded a track. it’s actually pretty good.
Posted by indigo on April 26, 2012
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programming,
System Info
so…we’ve said a lot about yesterday. some still think huda was right and that we are paranoid. but the prevailing knowledge is that the day was all about testing us. the major programming that was set off was chock full of directives.
from whatever view you look at it, we failed some of those tests, and we passed others. we remain fairly free and unharmed because (in their view) we failed the biggest of those tests. we didn’t harm the people (outside of us) that they wanted us to harm. we didn’t become enmeshed in a harmful situation again. we didn’t go back.
the list of passing and failing is a lot longer. but we are not sure how much we want to put out there.
knowing these things brings us some small semblance of peace. not that all the difficult feelings are gone. not by a long shot. but we will take everything we can get. and, like the lyrics of the song we just posted, we will find strength in the pain.
lol…en especially likes those lyrics. about not letting us choke around the noose around our neck. about finding strength in the pain. en, for those that don’t know, is a master when it comes to pain. en is able to take an incredible amount of pain. when things are really bad, pain wise, we call on en.
anyway…we must prepare for therapy.
Posted by indigo on April 26, 2012
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Song Lyrics
Mumford & Sons
The Cave
It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s land
So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
Posted by indigo on April 26, 2012
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so 4-25 is officially over. nothing happened. there is relief, but there is also confusion and sadness.
because either we made it all up, or we weren’t good enough.
option a: we made it all up. we read more into the dreams than there was. we believed in “programming” that seemed to be getting worse and worse leading up to something.
option b: we weren’t good enough. we didn’t follow the directions good enough. we didn’t hurt ourselves in the right way and severity. we just wasn’t good enough.
not surprisingly, the people inside who believe in option a are completely different from the ones that believe in option b. and then there are some of us who are just confused and don’t know what to believe. we feel so badly for worrying people and making a big deal about a date that seems to mean nothing.
on the other hand, the feelings we described in our earlier entry from just a while ago are still very much present.
Posted by indigo on April 25, 2012
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we still don’t know exactly what 4-25 is supposed to bring, or how it is supposed to be important. what we we know:
we went to full life for the first time in a long time, including art group. it felt good. we took some photos, which always feels really good. we stopped at the store to get medicine and a few groceries. we also felt good to have gotten out by ourselves and driven our scooter for 3 days in a row.
but…now we are home. we feel so full of sadness. like this is the end of everything. like it is too late for us. we don’t know why we feel these things…and despair…and as if we have no more choices available to us. party’s over.
there is a sadness for so much left undone and unsaid.
we are scared.
Posted by indigo on April 23, 2012
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so lonely…and yet we struggle to leave the house or connect with anyone. sometimes people reach out, and we are unable to respond. so maybe our only way to connect right now when lonely is to write here and on twitter. worth a try, anyway.
last night we posted this on twitter: ”Do you ever feel when you self harm that it isn’t real or doesn’t count unless someone else sees it?” no one answered, of course. but we are interested in people’s feedback on that one. and it being the case, how do i have someone see it without seeming like we are bragging? we are definitely not bragging…but the incredibly drive to harm ourselves sometimes won’t be abated unless someone else does see it and thus make it real and make it count. i hope that makes sense.
mostly we feel shame about self harming. but during the times of programming driving it, there are some small ones wanting to show, because they want to please the ones ordering the self harm. like wanting to please daddy and/or mommy even when they are the one hurting you.
this is a crappy representation, it does not do it justice. but someone *has* to see it. it has to be real. it has to count.
