indigos journal

i guess things are looking up some. our friend diane is finally talking with us again. now if we can just keep those lines of communication open…

mostly we are feeling stressed about time. seems like there is so much going on. compared with “normal” people there isn’t….but we are not used to so much.

and us kids want more kids friends. we dont get enough play time. we hopes myriad comes back real real soon cause we miss them littles. they be fun to play with.

k bigs says we got to go bed now.

since myriad has been at chelan, she will occasionally mention me to staff. everytime she does, they talk about how sweet, nice, outgoing, wonderful we are. that makes us feel so awesome! especially cause we let it all hang out while we were there this time. so their comments helps me battle the programming that says if anyone really knows me they will hate me and leave.

we are still feeling lonely. and we feel like we are running constantly. with shelby’s birthday, valentine’s day, helping out at myriad’s in her absence….i can’t wait to have some down time.

we got home safely from taking myriad to chelan. we finally got in around four in the morning. we miss them so much already. it was so hard to leave them when they were so terrified.

we came home to a response from diane to our letter. it was brutally honest. that is a good thing, but also hard. we have both tried to hard to protect each other from being hurt, and ended up holding things in. more honesty and communication is needed.

but in our tiredness, and the dark of night, things always seem so much worse…our head goes to dangerous places…we were not reacting well to life…feeling so alone…someone wanting to cut…the rest of us having a hard time wanting to stop them from doing so…believing horrible things about ourself…how we just hurt people…how everyone must think we are so bad…how we really are so bad…that maybe aeron is right and we pressured myriad into going to the hospital…worried that after telling her so many times how wonderful it is there that she will think it’s bad or not like it…how we shouldn’t go to therapy today…

but we decided to not act on anything…to go to sleep. and by the light of day, things are not as bad as the seemed last night. which really proves to me that we need to keep to our new sleep schedule. when our thoughts and beliefs get so dark in the night, it is good to spend less time awake in the night. more time awake in the day when our thinking is more clear.

not to say that everything is wonderful and rosy. we are still sad that myriad is gone for now. we are still sad about the stuff happening between diane and us.

plus, we just found out today that cassidy is going to be going in for major surgery. apparently there is a really bad cyst on one of her ovaries. bad enough that they will be taking it out. bad enough that the possibility of cancer looms. she will be out of work for 3 weeks. we really don’t want to lose her. especially the kids. they are very upset and scared. and they can’t talk to her about it, because she will just caretake them, which is not what she needs right now.

sometimes life really sucks. at least things are not as bad as they seemed last night.

What a day it has been…our friend myriad is going to the hospital. (the same one we just got out of) we are renting a car to take her there. unfortunately we will have to drive back alone. that is kinda scary.

even though we encouraged her to go, since they need the help, we are very sad. we want them to get help (and chelan is great) but we don’t want them to be gone. we will miss them very much. mixed feelings are so confusing and frustrating.

we will be so lonely….one of our best friends will be in the hospital, and the other one is still not talking to us. well, she did email a comment about one piece of the letter we wrote her. but we still haven’t talked more than that. there will be deb, which is great for a few of us bigs, but everyone else doesn’t get much from that relationship. most don’t feel comfortable coming out around her.

i miss the simplicity of the hospital. the fact that you are taken care of. the 24-7 support. cause right now i feel really alone.

Well….the post-hospital good feelings have come to an end. We always feel better when we first come home.

we have been having many dreams/nightmares of late. (since we came home from the hospital) in one, all our teeth were falling out. we have had at least one “stuck in salt lake with the bad people” dream. several hospitals dreams. those ones are never as nice as the reality is.

woke up today feeling really shitty. depressed, someone wanting to cut, not able to cope with anything. managed to take our meds, which is a good thing. i don’t want to go through those nasty withdrawals again.

trying to not let the hopelessness overwhelm.

at least we will not be sitting here all alone today. things are always worse when we can’t get out. we are going to see myriad, which always helps us feel better.

anyway, i guess i better get off my ass and get ready. don’t want to be late.

Woo-Hoo!!!!!

This is our new journal. We are so excited, as this is something we’ve wanted for quite some time. Myriad is being quite wonderful, to host our site and to build it for us. Thanks Myriad!