by the light of day
we got home safely from taking myriad to chelan. we finally got in around four in the morning. we miss them so much already. it was so hard to leave them when they were so terrified.
we came home to a response from diane to our letter. it was brutally honest. that is a good thing, but also hard. we have both tried to hard to protect each other from being hurt, and ended up holding things in. more honesty and communication is needed.
but in our tiredness, and the dark of night, things always seem so much worse…our head goes to dangerous places…we were not reacting well to life…feeling so alone…someone wanting to cut…the rest of us having a hard time wanting to stop them from doing so…believing horrible things about ourself…how we just hurt people…how everyone must think we are so bad…how we really are so bad…that maybe aeron is right and we pressured myriad into going to the hospital…worried that after telling her so many times how wonderful it is there that she will think it’s bad or not like it…how we shouldn’t go to therapy today…
but we decided to not act on anything…to go to sleep. and by the light of day, things are not as bad as the seemed last night. which really proves to me that we need to keep to our new sleep schedule. when our thoughts and beliefs get so dark in the night, it is good to spend less time awake in the night. more time awake in the day when our thinking is more clear.
not to say that everything is wonderful and rosy. we are still sad that myriad is gone for now. we are still sad about the stuff happening between diane and us.
plus, we just found out today that cassidy is going to be going in for major surgery. apparently there is a really bad cyst on one of her ovaries. bad enough that they will be taking it out. bad enough that the possibility of cancer looms. she will be out of work for 3 weeks. we really don’t want to lose her. especially the kids. they are very upset and scared. and they can’t talk to her about it, because she will just caretake them, which is not what she needs right now.
sometimes life really sucks. at least things are not as bad as they seemed last night.
