indigos journal

myriad has taught us how to notify people when we have a new entry. so…if anyone wants to be notified of new entries, please let me know and give me your email address. then you will never miss whatever captivating things we have to say! (just kidding)

we haven’t been doing well with showering lately. every time we try to take a shower (or hell, even think about taking a shower) major panic, fear, tears. shean was out in therapy, telling our therapist about this reaction… (he is around 7 or 8 and the little who is out the most at this time) our therapist asked shean how many people are scared of the shower (or something like that…) he thought for a minute, checked inside, and then told her that 97% of people are scared about it.

but nobody close to the surface could tell her why people are scared. we haven’t been getting any information about it from deeper down. so we ended up doing emdr in our session today. MAJOR stuff came up then.

if you are not safe reading about this kind of stuff, it would be better not to read on…
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it is stuff that has to do with what the kids call “the green men” programming…pain…it was in a big space…like a warehouse or something. there were lots of green men and other kids and teenagers. in this part of the training, a man was talking to us. if we answered him right or said the right thing, we were “rewarded” by being made to punish one of the others who answered wrong. if we were wrong, we were the one to get punished by someone who answered right. there were different punishments in that place. there was shocks…there was the shower (you didn’t know what was gonna come out there) and other stuff.

we have never heard of anyone talking about something like this. so partly some people feel like we have to be making it up. but it felt so real! even our body reacted, and we couldn’t make it stop. in our therapists office our body was jerking around like it was being shocked. one finger didn’t stop moving and jerking for an hour after. i just don’t know…

i hate that we survivors question our realities…

we feel very lone. cassidy aint at that house no more. her seem to never have time to even talk to us. but we aint suppossed to be upset cause her gots lots of stuff on hers plate right now. and diane be busy and overwhelmed. myriad is playing with someone else tonite. bigs tellin me we aint suppossed to say stuff bout people who read this cause it will hurt thems feelings. we dont want to hurt people. but we wanna say that we feelin so alone. we hate bein alone. we wish we had a family. but we aint got none.

but we did have fun yesterday with diane. we goed to the thrift store. the bigs/middles finded some cool pants with lots of pockets. and us kids gots two stuffies…one be sully from monsters inc movie. the other be hedwig from harry potter. the kids that got hedwig aint never asked for nothin befor. so that be good.

we seem to be so tired of late….it is only 10pm and i keep falling asleep. plus lots of headaches.

don’t know what else to say….

we are feeling somewhat upset…memory triggered in the multiple group tonight. it is not a new memory…it is one that we have talked about before. but the feelings are still there. perhaps i can work up the energy to write about it soon or perhaps someone else will.

why can’t we make people happy? keep them from being mad at us? we try so hard. but we can’t.

still feeling pretty helpless. but trying not to push ourself so hard. actually the kids are saying that i am the one who pushes us so hard. i don’t think i’m the only one who does. some of the others are just as afraid of making people angry/not making them happy with us/not being good enough/etc. etc. etc.

we just don’t seem to have much energy right now. but we did accomplish a bunch more today than we have been. so i guess that is good. it’s just so hard….we want to stay in touch with people….we have a friend in Tacoma that we haven’t been able to stay in touch with and we feel horrible about it cause we really like her. maybe we can try again to contact her. we would love to continue that friendship.

whee!!!!

for many days now we have been rolodexing. for those of you out there not familiar with this term, it means we are flipping through people like someone flipping through a rolodex. we cannot seem to stay centered or to have one person forward for any length of time. switching, switching, switching.

it did provide an interesting evening with our girlfriend. actually, she is Indigo, K, and Anne’s girlfriend. she knows about us being multiple, but hasn’t really experienced it much. (anne and k blend with, and look like, indigo real well when they want to) but seeing as we seem to have very little control over the switching right now, she saw more of it. i did notice, though, that most people still tried to hide that it was someone different. sammy and sion were the only ones who didn’t try to hide who they are. our kids always have seemed braver to me.

not sure why we are so switchy. probably exhaustion from the last few weeks. but who knows.

as the title says….so much. don’t know where to start. still having trouble writing. but right now don’t know what else to do….so forcing ourselves to do it.

our friend cassidy went in for surgery last week. right before she went in she found out she was being evicted. unable to move much because of surgery, she couldn’t do the work to move out. we spent several days running errands for her and packing her and moving her. plus dealing with lots of strangers.

on tuesday we just reached a breaking point with it all. couldn’t cope with it. we know she was mad….we feel horrible. we don’t want to be a flake…not dependable…but we just couldn’t do it anymore.

now we have one of her cats cause she doesn’t have a place to live. our cat is freaking out…the stress and lack of her medication is causing more seizures. i have no way to get her medication…and poor sparky (her cat) is just so frightened and confused. she is still hiding behind the toilet.

and then today cassidy went back to the doctor to get staples/stitches out. she found out that she has cancer.

we feel so upset…depressed…helpless…there is nothing we can do. nothing we can do to help the cats, to ease their suffering. nothing we can do to help cassidy (with any of what she is going through)

the kids are so distraught….they don’t want to lose cassidy…but they are certain they will now.

what to do…what to do….

we hate feeling this way.

fear, reactions, saying the wrong thing….these seem to be the order of the day. we have been almost constantly running around. any unplanned moment gets filled very quickly. what are we running from? in un-running moments, we feel overwhelmed and unable to get anything accomplished. we have even been unable to reach out to good friends like the myriad and tracey. there is diane and deb and sometimes cassidy, but with those guys everything is kind of surface, at least at this point in time. why is it that we are afraid to connect with people on a deeper level right now?

and we keep saying the wrong thing. myriad thinks we are angry and upset at them over the thing in group the other night. (we’re not) it was our own shit that made us react as we did…and we can’t seem to reach out to them to explain that we are not mad.

and why is it that we can’t seem to write in our journal if we are not in a really bad/weird/emotional/etc. place? is this another example of our running from something?