my oh my
we haven’t been doing well with showering lately. every time we try to take a shower (or hell, even think about taking a shower) major panic, fear, tears. shean was out in therapy, telling our therapist about this reaction… (he is around 7 or 8 and the little who is out the most at this time) our therapist asked shean how many people are scared of the shower (or something like that…) he thought for a minute, checked inside, and then told her that 97% of people are scared about it.
but nobody close to the surface could tell her why people are scared. we haven’t been getting any information about it from deeper down. so we ended up doing emdr in our session today. MAJOR stuff came up then.
if you are not safe reading about this kind of stuff, it would be better not to read on…
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it is stuff that has to do with what the kids call “the green men” programming…pain…it was in a big space…like a warehouse or something. there were lots of green men and other kids and teenagers. in this part of the training, a man was talking to us. if we answered him right or said the right thing, we were “rewarded” by being made to punish one of the others who answered wrong. if we were wrong, we were the one to get punished by someone who answered right. there were different punishments in that place. there was shocks…there was the shower (you didn’t know what was gonna come out there) and other stuff.
we have never heard of anyone talking about something like this. so partly some people feel like we have to be making it up. but it felt so real! even our body reacted, and we couldn’t make it stop. in our therapists office our body was jerking around like it was being shocked. one finger didn’t stop moving and jerking for an hour after. i just don’t know…
i hate that we survivors question our realities…
