indigos journal

with all the rollercoasters, spinning and mass chaos, one would think we are at an amusement/theme park.

today, for the most part, has been a nonfunctional day. we did manage to vacuum, scoop the litterbox, do a few dishes and take out the trash. it is a very small apartment, so this was not the accomplishment it seems.

we were supposed to go help cassidy get to the post office. this did not happen. someone little sent her a text saying “we cant we cant we cant.” besides the general chaos and fighting, the kids were upset because last night cassidy and us butted heads nearly the whole time we were at her house. the kids don’t like it when people fight. they don’t like conflict.

we did go out grocery shopping with deb. even that was a real trial. we kept switching. much anxiety. one kid threw a tantrum (a quiet one, considering what outside kids are like) because he couldn’t have a toy he wanted. (we don’t have any money.) in general kids were upset about not being able to get anything.

then there was the never-ending conflict…parts wanted to let deb know we were overwhelmed. others got mad at that, because they were taught that you don’t let anyone know that kind of thing. what was left was a frustrated deb because she was only get bits and pieces, and was mostly left in the dark.

and, of course, folks were upset because we can’t seem to control the chaos. we can’t keep it from showing. we can’t control the switching. many are very afraid that it will ruin our relationship with deb. they think we are too much of a burden.

there seems to be a whole lot of shame and self-hatred going on right now. our weight is seeming to be a big issue. jennifer is really trying to gain control…

while jennifer deals with things through control of food, others use other things. the cutters very much want to cut right now. even the suicidal ones are starting to make noise.

i guess i have run out of words for now.

sometimes it is so hard to write when you know people are reading…how can you be totally open, when you worry about hurting them? on the other hand, if you can’t be open in your own journal, where can you be?

our system war is much better. in many areas, there is compromise and resolution. (at least to some degree.) there are some things that are still in conflict, but not full-out war. i don’t know how that all will play out…

this last week we have had a lot more energy. in much better spirits.

today, though, we are feeling somewhat down and upset. at least some of us are. it is upset about stupid stuff, really. it shouldn’t upset us. but it does. it still matters to us what people think.

jennifer, our system anorexic, has been close to the front for the last little bit. still is. she keeps us from being hungry. so we can go a long time without eating. it’s not like we don’t need to lose weight. cause we all know that we are pretty much hippo size.

right now we are really hating us. well, not all of us are. but some of us. many of the ones close to the front.

it is so hard to explain our feelings, when we don’t have ways to describe who we are referring to.

god…this entry is so fucking stupid. what is the point? and why can’t we seem to write more, especially when things are not bad? cause as it is, people must think that we feel bad all the time.

i wish we didn’t have to go to cassidy’s tonight. i really want to go home and hybernate. but then we might end up cutting or something. and plus we told her we would be there. and we really are trying to be better about commitments. not make them unless we can keep them. and then keep the ones we have made. there is a certain amount of force involved with that…we have to force ourselves to do things…like go to cassidy’s tonight.

well…i should probably stop…i am just babbling.

How Soon Is Now

(The Smiths)

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There’s a club if you’d like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it’s gonna happen “now”
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I’ve already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

CLOSE MY EYES FOREVER

(Lita Ford/Ozzy Osbourne)

Baby
I get so scared inside, and I don’t really understand
Is it love that’s on my mind, or is it fantasy
Heaven
Is in the palm of my hand, and it’s waiting here for you
What am I supposed to do with a childhood tragedy
(Chorus)
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same…
Sometimes
It’s hard to hold on
So hard to hold on to my dreams
It isn’t always what is seems
When you’re face to face with me
You’re like a dagger
And stick me in the heart
And taste the blood from my blade
And when we sleep, would you shelter me
In your warm and darkened grave
(Chorus Repeat)
Will you ever take me
No, I just can’t take the pain
But would you ever trust me
No, I’ll never feel the same…Ohh…
I know I’ve been so hard to you
I know I’ve told you lies
If I could have just one more wish
I’d wipe the cobwebs from my eyes
(Chorus Repeat)
Close your eyes
Close your eyes
You gotta close you eyes for me

so long…it has been so long…so long since we had the luxury of writing here in our journal. funny, i never thought of journal writing as a luxury before.

cassidy is getting better. this is good. we are finally able to sleep in our own home, in our own bed. that in and of itself reduces much stress. also, sparky has gone back to live with her mommy. so now it is just robbie and us.

so in many ways life is good. things are looking better. we have even been courageous enough to follow through on dental care. BIG BIG THING. we have been accepted into the UW school of dentistry. we are scared shitless, but know that this dental care needs to happen.

aside from all that…

there is internal war. it concerns things that have caused war many times. each time things settle down, but the roots remain. there is a definite trigger for the war this time, but the trigger hardly matters. it is the heart of the issue that is important. my feeling is that this issue must be resolved…before we self-destruct. it will not continue to be shelved. it must be faced and some resolution attained.

i realize that we are being very vague. i think that there are several reasons for this: not wanting to hurt or cause stress/worry to others’ in our life as well as shame surrounding these issues. hell, there might even be more reasons i don’t know about. i wouldn’t doubt it.

the outward signs of the war include sudden flashes of anxiety, sadness, depression, introversion. plus lots of switching…one or more of the kids that speaks in some gibber language keeps surfacing. the cutter family and the suicide family have also made appearances, but have not cut so far or planned anything as of yet. we are also having trouble falling asleep. once we are asleep, we don’t want to wake up.

no more words come for now…