at last
so long…it has been so long…so long since we had the luxury of writing here in our journal. funny, i never thought of journal writing as a luxury before.
cassidy is getting better. this is good. we are finally able to sleep in our own home, in our own bed. that in and of itself reduces much stress. also, sparky has gone back to live with her mommy. so now it is just robbie and us.
so in many ways life is good. things are looking better. we have even been courageous enough to follow through on dental care. BIG BIG THING. we have been accepted into the UW school of dentistry. we are scared shitless, but know that this dental care needs to happen.
aside from all that…
there is internal war. it concerns things that have caused war many times. each time things settle down, but the roots remain. there is a definite trigger for the war this time, but the trigger hardly matters. it is the heart of the issue that is important. my feeling is that this issue must be resolved…before we self-destruct. it will not continue to be shelved. it must be faced and some resolution attained.
i realize that we are being very vague. i think that there are several reasons for this: not wanting to hurt or cause stress/worry to others’ in our life as well as shame surrounding these issues. hell, there might even be more reasons i don’t know about. i wouldn’t doubt it.
the outward signs of the war include sudden flashes of anxiety, sadness, depression, introversion. plus lots of switching…one or more of the kids that speaks in some gibber language keeps surfacing. the cutter family and the suicide family have also made appearances, but have not cut so far or planned anything as of yet. we are also having trouble falling asleep. once we are asleep, we don’t want to wake up.
no more words come for now…
