amusements, anyone?
with all the rollercoasters, spinning and mass chaos, one would think we are at an amusement/theme park.
today, for the most part, has been a nonfunctional day. we did manage to vacuum, scoop the litterbox, do a few dishes and take out the trash. it is a very small apartment, so this was not the accomplishment it seems.
we were supposed to go help cassidy get to the post office. this did not happen. someone little sent her a text saying “we cant we cant we cant.” besides the general chaos and fighting, the kids were upset because last night cassidy and us butted heads nearly the whole time we were at her house. the kids don’t like it when people fight. they don’t like conflict.
we did go out grocery shopping with deb. even that was a real trial. we kept switching. much anxiety. one kid threw a tantrum (a quiet one, considering what outside kids are like) because he couldn’t have a toy he wanted. (we don’t have any money.) in general kids were upset about not being able to get anything.
then there was the never-ending conflict…parts wanted to let deb know we were overwhelmed. others got mad at that, because they were taught that you don’t let anyone know that kind of thing. what was left was a frustrated deb because she was only get bits and pieces, and was mostly left in the dark.
and, of course, folks were upset because we can’t seem to control the chaos. we can’t keep it from showing. we can’t control the switching. many are very afraid that it will ruin our relationship with deb. they think we are too much of a burden.
there seems to be a whole lot of shame and self-hatred going on right now. our weight is seeming to be a big issue. jennifer is really trying to gain control…
while jennifer deals with things through control of food, others use other things. the cutters very much want to cut right now. even the suicidal ones are starting to make noise.
i guess i have run out of words for now.
