indigos journal

we had a dental appointment. for the first time EVER we came away not hating life. we have a really great dental student. he is very helpful.

for some reason tonight i am feeling really sad. i wish i wasn’t home alone. i feel very alone in the world. i am feeling very uncomfortable in my skin. i don’t know what is going on. it seems lately that anyone who is out in the body completely loses touch with the inside world, and forgets information that they know inside. the result is that everything seems ok in the outside world, while inside things seem to be stirring up. i hate it when i don’t know what is happening.

i guess i don’t know what else to say.

yinda is back!!!!! yinda is back!!!!!

we dont get to see her till friday but we know that she is back and she is safe. we were real scared that something would happen and she wouldnt come back. but she is cause she called and told us.

we had a very bad scary day. first we had to stupid barium test. we almost throwed up. it was so not fun and it was so scary. but myriad came with us and that helped.

then we go to pick deb up from work cause we have her car. and there be this pin thing on the floor and when we got in it went into our foot. it hurts so so so so bad. we have to get a tetanus shot tomorrow. we are scared about that. last time we got a tetanus shot it hurt real bad.

so we been real panicky today. but we feel a little better cause yinda is back.

Is anybody there?
Does anybody care?
Does anybody see what I see?

(from the musical 1776)

we have to get up and go out. we dont want to. we want to stay in bed and sleep some more. we are so tired and we want to be alone. we wish we could disappear. just disappear for a while. it is too hard to be around people and be what they want us to be. to have expectations placed on us…everyone has them, even if they deny it.

anyway we just wanna disappear. but we cant cause we are just weak and dont have no superpowers. and we dont have no money to go on vacation or something.

sometimes it sucks that stuff is so hard. we are hungry but it is too hard to figure out what to eat and to make it and stuff. and we dont have money to go out. i wish we didnt have to eat or nothin.

it would be real cool if we could be like the animorphs and change into any animal we want. then we could fly and run real fast and get real small so no one could see us and lots of cool stuff. the animorphs are a series of books we got.

but we cant do nothin special like that cause we are just plain boring us. plain boring scared sad us.

it was scary. there be a fire at our building. the alarm make loud loud noise. we could smell smoke. the loud alarm really really scared us. but it be ok now cause the fire people fixed it.

the other thing that scare us is the blue angles. they make such a big noise. and cause it trigger us bout when bad stuff was happenin at that place with the planes.

and we scared and sad cause lots of people mad at us and upset at us. we try to be good but it never seem enough. sometimes we get tired of trying to be good.

biggest of all is we miss yinda. we know it is real dumb to miss her when she aint even been gone a whole week. but her was gone for tuesday and will be gone for friday and for next tuesday. we wont see her again for a whole nother week! and we miss her. some inside get mad at us for dependin on her too much.

for many hours tonight someone kept sayin “gotta die”

we miss yinda we want her come back. we scared she not gonna come back. we scared something gonna happen to her.

we haved a hospital dream las night. and we saw macky in it and she did not like us no more. she ignored us. we think she not like us anymore even before the dream.

bigs say we gotta go cause we gotta get ready to go out. we got a doctor pointment cause we been naseated for like a week now and throwin up and stuff. but we dont getta see dr. robbie cause she gone. we gotta see another lady. that is scary. we only like dr. robbie. doctor robbie dont scare us.

k bye.