indigos journal

sometimes, like now, it feels like in some ways we are pretty healthy and have come so far. that is a good feeling. all the crap and struggle seems worth it. and then other times it feels like we are just so fucked up and haven’t changed at all. that is a very hopeless feeling.

really, i hate how it seesaws like that. i wish we could feel confident all the time.

in therapy today i learned lots of stuff about what our inside world is like. when we are inside we know what it is like. but when we come out, the gatekeepers take alot of that info away. (we get it back when we go back inside.) so it was really neat to be able to know on the outside more about it! shean drew a little map for linda with everything we know so far when we are out in the body.

on a completely different subject…

tonight we went to a concert with the myriad. we went to the triple door and saw melissa ferrick. natalia zukerman opened for her. it was absolutely wonderful. i now have two new musicians to add to my list of musicians we enjoy. we had never really heard either of them before. the show was fucking awesome.

we had a couple of drinks at the club. it feels so nice to be able to drink socially. to drink without the purpose of getting wasted. i was brave. i tried a couple of new drinks. they were still vodka-based drinks, but with different stuff mixed in. we have never been that adventurous. at least not until lately. anyway, it gives me a sense of power to be able to drink normally. when i used to drink (before sobriety) the whole purpose was to get wasted. to escape. so social drinking had no point to me.

i feel like i am rambling, so i will end.

it has been so long since we have written. mostly things have been ok.

we have been going to the dentist for weekly appointments. it has been very scary and anxious-if-i-ing. And we haven’t been able to get there on our own…we always have to have someone go with us. But, overall, we have been very brave. We have had two different teeth fixed, had a cleaning, had molds of our teeth made so that an upper denture can be made, etc. Luckily, we have a wonderful student who helps us feel not so scared. every week we are less anxious than ever before.

we have been doing so much stuff. we’ve started volunteering with the Seattle Women’s Chorus (and the parent company: Flying House Productions). every tuesday night we go help at rehearsal. it is very fun. we get to see a side of ourself we haven’t seen in quite awhile–outgoing, friendly, social, flirty. it is so wonderful to see that side of ourself, because we feared we had lost that and would never see it again.

linda (therapist) was away for several weeks for vacation and psych conference. we had a really hard time with that. but, we met a new backup therapist. she was nice, and she knew what she was doing. linda will be gone for a session or two around halloween (GOD DAMMIT!!!) and so we will get to see the new backup again. the sucky part is that she works in pioneer square, which is really scary compared to lower queen anne.

a week ago friday, we had a really hard therapy. we started discussing a flashback we had while at the dentist. before we were really able to get into it, we were swallowed up by spin programming. it was the first time (in recovery, at least) that we have encountered it. it was very scary. it triggered tons of shit. anxiety, overwhelmedness, all kinds of self harm messages and feelings, as well as suicide programming and people. the weekend was hard. we were very depressed and struggling. we were able to send an email to many people letting them know, so that they weren’t worried when we dropped off the face of the earth. in that time all we did was sleep alot and play world of warcraft.

cassidy helped us be able to get dressed and get to therapy on tuesday. we were late, but at least we were there. we learned that the suicidal one has only two states: asleep and suicidal. anytime he is awake he is suicidal. linda suggested he keep an eye on the outside world, and see if anything interests him. he likes the world of warcraft game, and played it for 6 hours straight.

i’m not sure what is happening inside now, but i know that we have more energy again and are not as depressed. but, anytime we close our eyes, unless we are dead tired, we start spinning again. so i know that this stuff is still there.

i want to figure out how to keep writing when everything is going ok. it seems that whenever things are mostly ok we are not able to write. (well…we are not able to always write when things aren’t ok either, so go figure…i sure don’t understand it.) but whatever. i guess i should just work on not feeling guilty if i don’t write. hmmm…