sometimes….and sometimes
sometimes, like now, it feels like in some ways we are pretty healthy and have come so far. that is a good feeling. all the crap and struggle seems worth it. and then other times it feels like we are just so fucked up and haven’t changed at all. that is a very hopeless feeling.
really, i hate how it seesaws like that. i wish we could feel confident all the time.
in therapy today i learned lots of stuff about what our inside world is like. when we are inside we know what it is like. but when we come out, the gatekeepers take alot of that info away. (we get it back when we go back inside.) so it was really neat to be able to know on the outside more about it! shean drew a little map for linda with everything we know so far when we are out in the body.
on a completely different subject…
tonight we went to a concert with the myriad. we went to the triple door and saw melissa ferrick. natalia zukerman opened for her. it was absolutely wonderful. i now have two new musicians to add to my list of musicians we enjoy. we had never really heard either of them before. the show was fucking awesome.
we had a couple of drinks at the club. it feels so nice to be able to drink socially. to drink without the purpose of getting wasted. i was brave. i tried a couple of new drinks. they were still vodka-based drinks, but with different stuff mixed in. we have never been that adventurous. at least not until lately. anyway, it gives me a sense of power to be able to drink normally. when i used to drink (before sobriety) the whole purpose was to get wasted. to escape. so social drinking had no point to me.
i feel like i am rambling, so i will end.
That’s neat that Shean drew a map in therapy yesterday.
We also have the same situation about inside and outside. We know what it is like inside and we know a lot of personal information inside, but when we come out front, it is often “left inside” and not allowed out front. It is so hard to access that information and very frustrating.
I used to think it was only gatekeepers or some sort of system function or just knew something made it that way…something where it was designed that way or hmmm, hard to put into words.
Recently I’ve learned more about some of the inside and the process in which the information is made to remain inside and not come to the outside front and not come into that outside front awareness. I think that Gatekeepers and such have something to do with it for me/us, but I understand now too that it has to do with some system functions and 2 different lands that one must pass through before coming out front. Not necessarily like a long journey through those lands…though I guess it depends on who it is. But they have to step through them first, especially those that hold critical information and secrets. There are also 2 Gatekeepers or Programs or System Functions…not sure what they are, but I’ve known about them for years, as well as their names, and they definitely keep information blocked and erased from conscious awareness when out front.
Anyway, glad you were able to know some stuff out front instead of it all remaining internal. I thought there was something “wrong” with me and that I wasn’t “multiple” because “real multiples” know their inner world and various stuff when they come out front. And really, I know we do, but information gets blocked and erased when we come out front. I know that is silly thinking now, but there are times when I convince myself of it, and there have been times in the past where we’ve managed to think it was true when it isn’t true.
Anyway, just wanted yous to know yous aren’t the only ones with that same dilema. Also wanted yous to know we’re totally glad you found out some information. For me/us, it’s always really neat to understand on the outside front and outside awareness more of how things are inside and understand more about our operating system, etc.
Hugs,
Jules, Julie, (and all)
Comment by Julie — October 15, 2005 @ 8:20 pm
thanks jules, Julies, (and all)
it is very helpful for me to know that someone else has this too. you described it perfectly.
take care
indigo
Comment by indigo — October 15, 2005 @ 11:32 pm
we used to think there was something wrong with us and we weren’t really real because we have an extensive inside world!
but yeah. someone in us came out once and wrote about how hard it is for the ones that deal with the front to simultaneously be aware of inside. and a lot of these structures are protected by programming and stuff too so that’s an additional layer.
i think inside worlds are so very fascinating. love to the indigo.
m. (short for “-m-organ or -m-yriad or somedamn thing)
Comment by myriad — October 17, 2005 @ 11:09 am
oh, and you were awesome at the concert. and you totally had fun with drinking and just did it to be adventurous and social and stuff. so, we are proud of you.
Comment by myriad — October 17, 2005 @ 11:10 am