broken
we have been sick the last many of days. a cold or something. the bad part of that is that we have not left the house or seen people for 4 days. being alone, without leaving the house, for that long tends to send us in a downhill spiral. or it could be that when we are sick we naturally go downhill. or we are already going downhill by the time we get sick. or something. i don’t know. i just know that there is a pattern there somewhere. and true to form we have gone downhill. lots of anxiety. depression. we have missed therapy twice because of being sick. and today we were also really panicked, overwhelmed. unable to get out of bed.
so tonight we had help going out. not far…we just went over to cassidy’s. we are both sick (we gave it to her) and therefore cannot go to the chorus rehearsal. the whole way over to cassidy’s we were panicking. so much fear. fear of people. fear of? i don’t know.
rationally, i look around me, around my life, and there is nothing to be depressed or anxious over. i have a pretty good life. friends, support. so where is all this coming from? i thought it would go away after halloween and our birthday. but so far it hasn’t.
are there answers? i wish this whole thing was like a quest in the role playing games we’ve been playing…at least in those you know where to go look for the answers. and the beasts and other enemies are clearly marked. none of this floundering around.
hey sweeties… we love you. and we also wanted to say that we really understand things not getting better after the bad days - we seem to go in a downward spiral around this time of year and it never cleans up so sparkingly and easily on some kind of set timeline. we hear you feeling bad about yourselves for feeling bad, and want to remind you that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. i mean, especially if you’re sick, let alone isolated because of it. we would not be in very good shape either.
Comment by myriad — November 23, 2005 @ 9:31 am