so very
sad. scared. lonely.
this holiday season has been so hard. worse than usual. we have spent a lot of time recently at cassidy’s because we have been afraid and lonely and sad. people scared that bad people are coming to get us.
we thought it would be better after christmas. but then we got info that new year’s would be hard too. and it is.
there have been lots of memory stuff recently. i am going to talk about them, but i will put the memories in blockquote so that you can skip that part if it will be triggering. remember to take care of yourself.
a little girl inside came out into the light for the first time. we have sensed her for a long time, and she has come out in the body many times. but inside she was always crouched in a dark corner and we could get no sense of her. she always sucks her thumb and doesn’t speak at all. i would say she is probably 4 or 5. anyway, she came into the light and we were able to learn her story.
when we were little (about her age) we had pink footy pajamas. one night we wet the bed while wearing them. our mommy beat us and yelled at us and then made us wear the cold, wet pajamas. so all this time she has still been in those pajamas.
when she came into the light, and after we got over the shock of the sudden memory, a bunch of us took care of her. gave her powder blue footy pajamas (the color she wanted) destroyed the icky ones, and comforted her. the kids took her into the fold and showed her around.
she is still very sad. but not as much as before.
the other memories we have been having are related to the christmas season.
every christmas season all the perps seem to think that they deserve to give themselves a present. so “santa” would come to our house (especially at night) and put us in his big green bag. he would always say, “don’t you dare move.” and then he would take us to different people’s houses. and we would be the christmas present the people would get. and they would do all the usual horrible things…sex, violence, etc.
through talking about this crap, another little came forward. she has been out a little lately. her original name was lease. she didn’t like that name, because of what it stood for. she after much thought, she chose the name aireona. it was so sad when she was helping cassidy make christmas dinner and she said, “i’ve never had christmas dinner before. heck, i’ve never done food before.”
and then, the past couple of nights we have been having yet another memory, which is probably still related to the holiday stuff.
we were with some perp, i don’t know who. we were naked on a bed. the perp put vibrating things inside us and next to our clit. and of course turned them on. he said “don’t you dare move a muscle. if you do, you will regret it.” at first it felt kind of good physically, although confusing and shameful. quickly it was not good at all. it was too much and it hurt. and it was so hard not to move. we were so scared. and he kept making it go on. when we moved a little he started beating the shit out of us. but the thing still went on.
we are scared of writing this stuff where people can see it. but at the same time, we don’t want to keep it in anymore. it feels kind of defiant to say stuff out loud and we were told not to. cause i don’t want to be scared of them forever.
and we are scared of what people will think of us. there is still so much shame and programming…that people will not believe us, that they will know that it was our fault, that we are bad and gross and dirty, and they will hate us.
we try not to believe that stuff, but deep down it is still there inside us. we were taught it for so long…
if you actually made it this far, thank you for reading.