indigos journal

i just heard from oral surgery. we have three appointments set up. one to meet the surgeon (a girl!) and go over my health history, etc, etc. one to meet the anesthesia team and go over my health history, etc, etc. and one for the surgery! the surgery will be on monday february 17.

it is a relief to know what is happening. and when.

why is it that linda’s opinions/feelings/beliefs (about us) mean the world to us? what makes them of the power to make or break our self-worth? even a hint of disapproval, of non-belief, of anger/frustration/exasperation is enough to feel like the end of the world. no, i am not using hyperbole here.

a hint of those things…we feel like the most horrible creature…needing to die…or at the very least needing to cut…we doubt our reality; everything we thought we knew. we doubt our EXPERIENCE.

what gives us the audactiy to think we could just shed our place, like dirty old skin? we are no snake. it does not come off. and we are as we ever were. best none of us forget it.

we gots worser last night. we was throwing up. so we go to bed and sleep for long time. cept we kept waking up. we sweated real bad all night. but maybe it be better today. we hope so.

i mean, sure, the pain is not as bad. the pain we sometimes have is different…a throbbing instead of an intense stabbing. but we feel so horrible. extreme nausea. shakiness. not fully a sore thoat, but it does not feel normal. and our breathing has been worse. i am not sure what is going on. but we hate feeling icky. we hate not knowing why we feel icky. is this related to the tooth? i’m not sure. i don’t even know what to do to help us feel better.

me hates it lots. what we really wants is someone to hold us an take care of us. us kids. but we dont gots that. and we not sposed to want it cause we can never gets a mommy. but we tired. tired of fight. tired of feeling bad. just want someone outside us to be in charge for while. take care of us an hold us.

we mostly sleep today cause then we dont feel the ickies.

no, i am not talking about rolaids.

so we went to the emergency dental place yesterday morning. first there was a clueless 2nd year who did an exam and filled in paperwork. he was basically worthless. he was so afraid of hurting us that he didn’t even tap on the painful tooth, just the ones around it. so consequently he told his supervisor that #10 was a lot worse than #11. #11 is the problem one.

so then he left to go to class. then we were supposed to have some random student to do the actual extraction. but somehow our student convinced them to let him do it. as soon as he took over we relaxed a lot. he stood up for us to the supervisor who thought we didn’t know which tooth was the problem.

he did a really good job. best extraction we’ve had. and he was so sweet…before he did anything, he said “so i brought my ipod. i thought maybe if you wanted to listen to music while we work…” that was so incredibly thoughtful. he is always aware of how scary this dental crap is for us. when he was done and we told him that the music helped, he said he would bring it every time.

so anyway…the intense stabbing pain is no longer. cold doesn’t hurt any longer. (yay!!!) but there is still a throbbing from the extraction. and we can’t bring our teeth together without pain. but i don’t think any of it is undue.

the only bad thing in the appointment was that some flashbacks were triggered. he was standing on one side of us, to do the work. a 4th year student, also male, was standing on the other side of us assisting. we started seeing and feeling two men pressed against us…with their penises out…touching us…

it was hard to get grounded in the present…to know that those things aren’t happening now. the music really helped. and knowing him helped. it would have been a lot harder if it was a stranger.

then in the afternoon we got to see linda! she is back from peru! we were, and are, very excited about that. we missed her a lot.

things have been rough tonight. we went to group, and were triggered early on. feeling so stupid…ruined everything…shoulda kept our trap closed…people mad…so mad…it makes people inside mad. people inside wanting to cut, wanting to die.

feeling scared. lonely. scared scared scared.

then planes were flying by and it was scary. planes loud. bad bad bad. make it stop. make it stop. stop stop stop.

when the green mens gotted us at the place and doin bad stuff the planes go. planes go loud. make it stop.

the green mens haved dogs. big dogs. rottwylers and germen shepards. they be real scary. growl. dog teeths around neck. green mens say they make doggy bite down if… something. don’t remember what the somethin was. other times they make the doggies have sex to us.

some inside real real mad cause we not posed to write stuff like that. not tell not tell not tell. bad bad bad. gotta punish.

cut cut cut

make it stop

we scared bout the morning when they gonna stick needles in our mouth. bad bad bad. hurt. crazy. needles makes the crazys come. dont like the crazys.

pain has still been our constant companion. with all the pain we have been in, we were very discouraged when we had even more. turns out we have a uti. luckily we got into the doctor very quickly. we have to take antibiotics, but only for three days. so that is getting better.

tomorrow, VERY early, we have an appointment at the emergency dental clinic. they are going to pull the tooth that has been causing the severe pain. unfortunately, that means local anesthesia. shots. ugh. we are really really scared. but my student dentist might be able to do it…they are trying to rearrange his schedule so that he can. it would really help if it was him and not some other person we don’t know. but either way, hopefully i will get some relief after the procedure.

we went to a chorus fundraising commitee meeting a few days back. fundraising for the rocky mountain tour this year and for gala next year. i definitely need fundraising money if we hope to go. (we do) anyway…we were discussing things in the meeting…especially the rummage sale coming up…and creating smaller committees to take care of the different areas involved. during this discussion, i heard my mouth volunteering to head one of those committees. i still don’t know who in here did that.

we have never done anything like that and are kind of freaking out. it feels good to be so involved, but i have so much doubt…can i really do this? i don’t know anything about it. i’m just not good enough.

so bleh. there we are.

the tooth pain has been so bad. even with iboprofen. even with a painkiller. luckily we don’t feel it all the time. it flairs up sometimes, like in waves. when we are drenched in the wave, the pain is so overwhelming. at those times we want to die.

the last few days we have been helping cassidy move. yesterday was a very long day…up at seven, not home til midnight. she gets so bossy and snappy and mean when she is stressed. last night, while she was delivering a load of stuff, and we were still at the house packing and cleaning, the kids were panicky…thinking we hadn’t done enough…

(kids now) that she was gonna be mad at us cause we didnt do enough and werent fast enough and we let her down. she be like that before. never good enough. but she wasn’t. she was real nice. we were happy. we dont like mean cassidy. but we like nice cassidy. and it was nice cassidy last night.

today we get to see that kathy lady. we like her. then we gets to watch a movie with diane and deb. and have lunch. that be good.

we jus wish the pain go away. it hurts. it scares us.

us kids been insecure and anxious and scared and stuff. i dont know why.

we gots go therapy now.

I don’t know what is wrong with us. we have been so sad. so down. we went out yesterday, but today we have been home all day. slept until 7 at night. granted we got to bed only this morning, but it is still way too much sleep. it’s just one of those days where we can’t cope with life.

we were having lots of memories last night.

when we were thirteen, after our brother had been arrested for molesting us (a whole other story…) a therapist told our mom she should get a dog. so she did. she had to look like the perfect mom, didn’t she? we had feisty for only a short while…long enough to grow attached. one day he got out. we called him and called him, but he wouldn’t come. we just figured he would come back. we didn’t go find him. a neighbor told us afterwords that someone purposefully ran him down. that neighbor called the animal services. we never even got to say goodbye. a week or so later, my mom and us went and got a new dog. she made sure that the new dog was hers. if it paid attention to me, the dog and us were both punished. when she was a year old, my mom had her bred with a friend’s dog. we kept one of the puppies. it became my dad’s dog. same story. we tried to have a dog one other time, but someone broke into our apartment and let it loose. it was picked up by the pound, but we only got to see it one more time.

we know they were making a point through all that. we know because they told us over and over. anything we ever loved was taken from us. not only taken from us, but hurt and often killed. we didn’t deserve to have things love us. we weren’t good enough.

there have been people close to the front, and out, who really believe that our place is to be treated like that. treated however other people (particularly men) want to treat us. we are a thing, an object, to be used.

we have finally started putting our poetry up. keep checking back, as we will be adding more as we can.

i don’t know what else to say. i think i am being blocked…