meh
I don’t know what is wrong with us. we have been so sad. so down. we went out yesterday, but today we have been home all day. slept until 7 at night. granted we got to bed only this morning, but it is still way too much sleep. it’s just one of those days where we can’t cope with life.
we were having lots of memories last night.
when we were thirteen, after our brother had been arrested for molesting us (a whole other story…) a therapist told our mom she should get a dog. so she did. she had to look like the perfect mom, didn’t she? we had feisty for only a short while…long enough to grow attached. one day he got out. we called him and called him, but he wouldn’t come. we just figured he would come back. we didn’t go find him. a neighbor told us afterwords that someone purposefully ran him down. that neighbor called the animal services. we never even got to say goodbye. a week or so later, my mom and us went and got a new dog. she made sure that the new dog was hers. if it paid attention to me, the dog and us were both punished. when she was a year old, my mom had her bred with a friend’s dog. we kept one of the puppies. it became my dad’s dog. same story. we tried to have a dog one other time, but someone broke into our apartment and let it loose. it was picked up by the pound, but we only got to see it one more time.
we know they were making a point through all that. we know because they told us over and over. anything we ever loved was taken from us. not only taken from us, but hurt and often killed. we didn’t deserve to have things love us. we weren’t good enough.
there have been people close to the front, and out, who really believe that our place is to be treated like that. treated however other people (particularly men) want to treat us. we are a thing, an object, to be used.
we have finally started putting our poetry up. keep checking back, as we will be adding more as we can.
i don’t know what else to say. i think i am being blocked…
I am so glad that you posted those two poems. They say so much, so well. They are true, like you are true. Full of kind integrity and honest pain. To me, creativity is a holy thing, a prayer, a being in communion with the energy that is for me the closest thing to what others call “god” or “goddess”: the greening, that makes plants grow, immune systems function, and which is life insisting on itself. In my pain and fear, I get scared of creating. It is such a gift to all that you put your poems out for us to read and then we are all less lonely. thankyou. I am sorry that you are hurting today. gentle hugs to you from me, brucie/bruce
Comment by bruce — January 16, 2006 @ 11:09 pm
Some part of me must not be happy with the way i am articulating a response to this, cause i ve now accidently erased it twice.
I wish i had been aware sooner that you were having such an icky day, prob would have tried harder to connect.
My heart just aches for that little girl/young person. It is not surprizing you are so fond of Robbie. But they were wrong, you are not a thing,or object for their use! I wish i could show you a glimpse of the wonderful person i see… some one deserving of every ounce of love you can get. And not because you needed to earn it. but just because you are here! You are a beautiful,smart,caring (no thanks to them)person.
There are many,many people in your life now who see divinity in you and want to share in your joys
and struggles, because we believe you are worth more than any amount of gold.
I am not saying this right, but please take it in a spirit of love and concern.
I send you all the love that it takes to wrap yourself in a sanctuary of light and safety…
Ugh…. take any words in this that are helpful,
and toss the ones that don’t make sense away.
It’s late and my thinking isn’t clear.
But i want you to know you are loved.
Comment by deb — January 17, 2006 @ 1:00 am
thanks for talking. we can relate to a lot of this stuff… being lured into loving, then being punished for it… worse, hurting others for having loved them… it’s amazing that we can be in relationships at all these days.
i just wanted to thank you and let you know that when you post the stuff that is memories or scary or explicit… that gives us so much strength, both because of what we have in common, and because it gives us some bravery to try (maybe) writing those things ourselves.
we are very proud of you. and, ditto, you deserve to love and be loved. we (you and we) won’t hurt anyone by loving them, despite what they taught us. (wow, that’s something… someone inside just totally objected to that statement for us. i smell therapy…)
Comment by myriad — January 17, 2006 @ 7:13 am