what makes me think i could start clean slated?
why is it that linda’s opinions/feelings/beliefs (about us) mean the world to us? what makes them of the power to make or break our self-worth? even a hint of disapproval, of non-belief, of anger/frustration/exasperation is enough to feel like the end of the world. no, i am not using hyperbole here.
a hint of those things…we feel like the most horrible creature…needing to die…or at the very least needing to cut…we doubt our reality; everything we thought we knew. we doubt our EXPERIENCE.
what gives us the audactiy to think we could just shed our place, like dirty old skin? we are no snake. it does not come off. and we are as we ever were. best none of us forget it.
i think it’s easier for people that are used to having their own opinion mean nothing to transfer the sort of… person whose opinion matters. like for us we feel that way if aeron expresses any disapproval, even a shadow of it. it used to be our main programmer, or our mother… now it’s aeron.
when we were growing up, life hung on pleasing the people in charge. is it any wonder that it comes crashing to a halt when the people we respect, the people we have maybe tranferred our fear/validation stuff to, hint that there’s something wrong with the way we’re doing things? that’s why being validated and supported is one of the most important things therapy can give us.
i know you’ve been with linda a long time, but we still think it’s rotten that she does this to you. i hope you can talk about it with her on friday and work it out better. in the meantime, know that there’s nothing you could do or think that would be bad enough to make you a bad person. you will always be good and full of light and worthy. an honor for us to know.
love. sorry this was so long.
Comment by myriad — January 31, 2006 @ 1:53 pm
Oh Indigo, it is so sad that your first session after Linda being away left you feeling sooooo bad. We know so well that feeling of crashing down into the BAD feelings. The therapists job is to not say or do anything that isn’t FOR the client. It sounds like Linda was sloppy and that you got the fallout. OUCH!
I agree with Myriad. You are good and have a right to feel good about yourself. (We wish we could show you how we see you.)The BADs belong to the people who hurt you and the people who failed to protect you……NOT YOU! We picture a magic forcefield surrounding you, that sends the BADS back to the hurtful people, leaving you in your safe sweet pink goodness, free to KNOW how very good you are.
gentle hugs and pink hearts to you.
bruce/brucies
Comment by bruce — February 1, 2006 @ 12:00 pm