indigos journal

The first part of this was written when we were in 8th grade. Several years later we added the second part.
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we had a dream last night…we were in the bathroom…it looked like our house growing up…we couldn’t get the door to stay shut. it just wouldn’t latch. and people kept coming in while we were on the toilet…we couldn’t stop them from coming in and watching us…

we are actually feeling pretty good today.

last night we got a keyboard from myriad so that we could hook up the backup puter. we finally got that up and running today. it is so nice to have internet access at home again!!!! but, wouldn’t you know it, as soon as we had this one running, the part came. it is at cassidy’s house, and i will get it tonight. i don’t know if it will work…but at least i have this for a while if it doesn’t. this one doesn’t solve all the problems, but it solves some.

we had lunch with a friend today. it was really nice. i feel so blessed…i have a wonderful circle of friends…people who care about us. and we care about them. i have a wonderful therapist and a wonderful back-up therapist. a wonderful doctor. i am just feeling very warm and lucky. those are amazing feelings to have.

the literary side of me reads that last paragraph and cringes at the number of times we used the word “wonderful.” my first instinct is to change it. but i decided that i am not going to. i like being able to write whatever comes out, without worrying about how it sounds or looks. i don’t want to be self-conscious in my own journal.

i was even able to make a phone call to my dentist today. he has been calling for a week now and i haven’t been able to cope with it. so it feels good to have called.

we are feeling better than we were the last time we wrote. we still have a lot of sadness, especially at night. night always seems the hardest.

we still haven’t gotten the computer fixed. hopefully the part will come today. we tried to hook up the computer myriad and aeron lent us, but our keyboard does not have the right connection.

deb and i saw brokeback mountain yesterday. it was a good movie, although very sad. i’ve gotten so used to being out in a basically supportive city….sometimes i forget how hard it is to be queer in so many places. i’m so thankful we got out of utah…there is a great gay community there, but the society overall there is very oppressive and stifling.

i don’t know if a will ever understand how people can be so prejudicial…so racist, heterosexist, sexist….how people can treat each other so cruelly. even if i don’t always understand where someone is coming from, i still don’t want to treat them badly. we are all people….with feelings.

but then again….do my perps have feelings? can you have feelings and be so cruel to a child?

but even with that….i couldn’t hurt even them. parts of us think about it. fantasize about it. but in reality i couldn’t do it. i feel other people’s pain too much.

i guess this is just a rambling entry. probably because i am in my head, not my feelings. the feelings are the same as they have been…sad, lonely, scared…they seem to be feelings that even good company can’t shake…will we always be sad, lonely and scared?

chorus starts again tomorrow. it will be nice to have that again. i’ve actually missed it these last few weeks.

i’ve been thinking a lot about going back to school. which, of course, means going to voc. rehab again. i’m not looking forward to that. but maybe they have a new worker…

we are using a friend’s computer to write. our computer died on sunday. it has been a long, hard week. we stayed home all week waiting for a stupid part that will hopefully fix it. it didn’t come. staying inside, alone, for days on end is always a very bad thing.

linda left for peru. we want her to have a good time but we will really really miss her. in the time we would normally have seen her six times, we only get to see kathy twice.

anyway…there has been much depression. sadness, loneliness, overwhelmedness, anxiety, suicidal and self-harm thoughts/feelings.

there are occassional rays of sun coming through the storm. making a new friend. spending time with good friends. linda sending baby bernie to us (via diane) to have while she is gone. going to group on thursday, the first time out in days, was a big help. i know so much time alone is bad for us. i just don’t know how to stop it when it is happening.

our computer being gone is so big. we feel disconnected from the world. our email is on the computer. our journal is on the computer. our finance management is on the computer. our connection to friends, to knowledge, is on the computer. the only way we have to listen to music is on the computer. we miss music.

i think the most heartbreaking is the part we learned of recently who told our therapist he had two states of being…asleep and suicidal. but then we showed him gaming. mmorpg. role playing games. he finally had something besides sleep and suicide. and now it’s gone. he thinks it is gone for good. it is hard to convince him otherwise when i don’t know what is going to happen. and when.

myriad and aeron were so kind…they lent us an old puter of theirs…i haven’t hooked it up yet cause i am so overwhelmed. hopefully i will get it hooked up tomorrow. it won’t be the same, but it will be better than what we have now. which feels like nothing.