indigos journal

i learned of a new group of kids today. well, i have seen some of them before. but i did not know of the whole group of them.

they are called the “ghost kids”

the group includes many kids with autistic-like behaviors. most of these kids don’t connect with other people. they often display repetitive movements. some of the movements are self-harming, such as head-banging, hitting themselves, etc, but not all are. some just rock. some repeat words or phrases that sound like gibberish to me, but i don’t think they are. some have echolalia.

also included in the group are many mute kids. many of these kids also don’t connect with other people, although some do. the mute kids in this group are different from other mute kids in the system in that they don’t use sign language. they rarely try to communicate, but they don’t display the more classic autistic signs. they are usually very aware of what is going on around them. they tend to be very quiet; almost invisible.

i am still learning about them. i know they have a big room in either the castle or one of the houses. the room is completely cushioned…walls, floor, everything. that way none of the kids with get hurt. the colors in the room are the basic rainbow colors–red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple. they don’t seem to dress brightly, though. mostly blacks and browns. the better to be invisible. i don’t know if they’ve had the room all along, or if we just made it when we found out about the whole group today in therapy. we can make things pretty quickly inside, so i don’t know…

anyway..we found out about the group because we were trying to figure out in therapy why we haven’t been able to sleep lately. it is because the ghost kids are really agitated and anxious. if we are asleep, we aren’t aware of our surroundings…we need to be aware all the time. they are scared of the green men coming and getting us. apparantly the head green man took particular pleasure in tormenting and threatening this innocent, special ones.

anyway…got to run. chorus rehearsal is tonight.

it has been so long since we’ve written. there has been much going on, but it hasn’t felt like we could write about it here.

we broke up with our girlfriend.

one group inside feels like we did the right thing. afterall, they say, our first priority is to take care of ourself. that is the important thing.

another group feels like we are scum. we should have died before we hurt someone else. hurting yourself, or letting yourself be hurt, is always better than hurting someone else. i know that this is programming stuff from before…but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier. (i’m not saying our girlfriend was hurting us. she wasn’t. i’m just saying that according to programming our thoughts/feelings/needs/wants/etc don’t matter…all that matters is how the other person feels.)

and then there is the main one that was in the relationship…she wanted the relationship…and she feels that we have ruined everything for her.

she wants to be in a relationship. if we are to stay single, as we desperately need to right now, we are going to have to find a way to get through to her. we are going to have to find a way to meet her needs without her getting involved that way.

anyway…that is the biggest thing going on right now. we are still recovering from being sick. tomorrow we need to call our doctor and ask her to write that stupid note so that are surgery can happen. i am really worried about it happening soon because another tooth is starting to go. we really do not want to be in agony like that again.

i guess that is it for now.

we reached the peaked with our illness on wednesday. much pain…much misery. things are now slowly getting better. and now that intense illness isn’t making us sleep the majority of the time, we are back to insomnia.

unfortunately recovery was not quick enough. we had our pre-surgery appointment today. (friday.) before we can do anything further, they recquire us to see our doctor again. our doctor has to send them a note certifying that we are sinus infection and bronchitis free. since we are not well yet, this can’t happen. and the longer it takes, the greater the chance that surgery will be rescheduled. they have already canceled our pre-surgery anesthesia appointment. we must be well for that.

i am basically feeling frustrated and hopeless when it comes to all that. we keep jumping through the hoops, and new hoops keep appearing. it feels so endless.

on a grander scale, it appears we are making progress. the dissatisfaction some of us feel for our life currently has come to a head. changes must be made. the progress is that this is the first time we have gotten to this point without being so utterly and completely suicidal that we end up in the hospital. to become aware of the situation before the point of implosion is a great opportunity.

of course, at the same time, it can be really painful to be so utterly self-aware.

regardless…we spoke with linda today about some things, some aspects, we need and want to change. it will not be easy. we are very far from total agreement on what change needs to happen. and, as usual, there are feelings and people triggered all over the place. i wish i could say that we will always behave in a manner that is pleasing to us. but alas…

if wish i had to courage to just tell people what we need and want. but even when we are basically in agreement, there are those of us hard-wired to never, ever, for any reason whatsoever, hurt anyone else. we can destroy ourselves, but never hurt another.

with our return of insomnia come the memories again. not that they ever really left. they aren’t new memories. they aren’t even super super intense like the first couple of times working through them. but they are ever present, especially at night. we can see them, but the biggest impact of these are the emotions. such pain. such sadness. such grief. sometimes i can’t comprehend how so much pain can fit into one body. granted, it IS a large body, but still! it is no wonder there are so many of us in this one body. there had to be to hold all of our life.

sometimes…the pain….is so big…we just want to lay down…and stop being…some did, really. mute…unmoving…unresponsive…they are still alive, in the literal sense. kept alive through the energy of others. sometimes…some get angry…don’t feed me your energy…let me go.

see….the secret is…we’re not very strong…we give up very easily. when the waves come…and swallow us…and we feel to tired to keep fighting…to stay afloat. it happens a lot. more often than we dare tell anyone.

just when i thought i was getting better…

we woke up yesterday with a really bad and painful cough. early this morning we called and got an appointment with our doctor. the verdict? sinus infection and bronchitis. icky. painful.

between this sickness and our insurance taking forever to approve the new teeth, we might have to change the day of surgery. i know we’re scared of the surgery, but we are also disappointed to have it moved. we want it done. our therapist and doctor both think that our general health will improve once the dental crap is done. i sure hope so. we are really sick of being sick.

the kids get so upset and lonely when we are sick. they want to cry all the time. they cry out for mommy. not our mommy, of course. she wasn’t worth a damn when it came to sickness. they cry out for a mommy who would hold us and take care of us and reassure us.

it is so hard…nothing i say to them seems to make any difference.

we had a very intense therapy today. lots of memory crap.

it’s kinda weird…we have been writing some memories here in our journal…but it terrifies us when we think of entering this one in. we’ve been having it every night this last week…every time we try to sleep. and, of course, it was even more intense in therapy because we worked on it instead of trying to get away from it.

i wish we could write about it. we don’t want to be controlled by fear; by the old rules those bastards taught us. but here we are. too scared to write them.

we meant to say that the surgery is on monday february 27. not the 17.