indigos journal

we reached the peaked with our illness on wednesday. much pain…much misery. things are now slowly getting better. and now that intense illness isn’t making us sleep the majority of the time, we are back to insomnia.

unfortunately recovery was not quick enough. we had our pre-surgery appointment today. (friday.) before we can do anything further, they recquire us to see our doctor again. our doctor has to send them a note certifying that we are sinus infection and bronchitis free. since we are not well yet, this can’t happen. and the longer it takes, the greater the chance that surgery will be rescheduled. they have already canceled our pre-surgery anesthesia appointment. we must be well for that.

i am basically feeling frustrated and hopeless when it comes to all that. we keep jumping through the hoops, and new hoops keep appearing. it feels so endless.

on a grander scale, it appears we are making progress. the dissatisfaction some of us feel for our life currently has come to a head. changes must be made. the progress is that this is the first time we have gotten to this point without being so utterly and completely suicidal that we end up in the hospital. to become aware of the situation before the point of implosion is a great opportunity.

of course, at the same time, it can be really painful to be so utterly self-aware.

regardless…we spoke with linda today about some things, some aspects, we need and want to change. it will not be easy. we are very far from total agreement on what change needs to happen. and, as usual, there are feelings and people triggered all over the place. i wish i could say that we will always behave in a manner that is pleasing to us. but alas…

if wish i had to courage to just tell people what we need and want. but even when we are basically in agreement, there are those of us hard-wired to never, ever, for any reason whatsoever, hurt anyone else. we can destroy ourselves, but never hurt another.

with our return of insomnia come the memories again. not that they ever really left. they aren’t new memories. they aren’t even super super intense like the first couple of times working through them. but they are ever present, especially at night. we can see them, but the biggest impact of these are the emotions. such pain. such sadness. such grief. sometimes i can’t comprehend how so much pain can fit into one body. granted, it IS a large body, but still! it is no wonder there are so many of us in this one body. there had to be to hold all of our life.

sometimes…the pain….is so big…we just want to lay down…and stop being…some did, really. mute…unmoving…unresponsive…they are still alive, in the literal sense. kept alive through the energy of others. sometimes…some get angry…don’t feed me your energy…let me go.

see….the secret is…we’re not very strong…we give up very easily. when the waves come…and swallow us…and we feel to tired to keep fighting…to stay afloat. it happens a lot. more often than we dare tell anyone.