indigos journal

Name
by the GooGoo Dolls

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can’t turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you’d lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we’re grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don’t belong to no one
That’s a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won’t tell no one your name

And I won’t tell em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don’t it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there’s nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won’t tell no one your name
And I won’t tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don’t need the same
It’s lonely where you are come back down
And I won’t tell em your name

we been connectin with all our friends. we be real happy about that. we played with julie and myriad on the weekend. then with diane on monday. and we see bruce on tuesday. we wanted to see ron but we couldnt yet. hopefully soon.

therepy was hard yeserday. little kids having bad bad memries. our therpist was really mad at the bad people. she said they was bullies. she was sad for us.

first it was the bigs that was there. they was talkin bout stuff happenin in the now. the stuffs happenin in the now mostly isnt bad. cept whenever we goes to bed and not fall asleep right away then we get bad memries relives. so we cant go to bed til we can sleep right away. we have to be tired tired tired.

then little kid come out that was suckin thumb. that kid dont talk. we dont know how big they was. maybe four. mostly we talked when we was that big cept some didnt. cause some was quite so we can be invisible.

anyway that kid be real sad. and they be seein pictures. and feelin body memries. they get on the floor and draw pictures for therpist. the first picture was a really little us and a real big hand. they drawed that cause it feel like there always be big hand on us. touchin. touchin sometimes soft and sometimes hard. the next picture was a really little us and a real big penis. they drawed that cause we feel penis on us everywhere. sometimes rubbin sometimes jabbin. then they drawed a really little us and we was cryin and a real big bad person that was mad and yellin and swearin at us. they was mad cause we was cryin.

then the kid stopped drawin. they was playin with the toys in therpist toy cabinet. then they got a puzzle out and started puttin it together. we like puzzles. we liked puzzles since we little little little.

then we started seein and feelin another memry. it was so so strong like it was happenin. we was layin on the floor doin a puzzle. just like in therpists office. then the bad people (mom and dad both did it at diffrent times) comed up and grabbed our bum. they start grabbin and touchin us in our private parts. and we stopped doin our puzzle. and they would yell at us to keep doin our puzzle. they would say dont let me interuppt. but they would try really hard to distract us. but we couldnt slow down on the puzzle. they kept swearin at us if we slowed down or stop. and if we made a mistake they would swear at us. and they kept laughin at us. they thought it was funny what they was doin and how it made us be. and they would keep touchin and grabbin and pokin. and we just had to keep doin our puzzle. then when it was done they would stop and laugh. then they would say now clean this up bitch.

so when we was in therpist and was doin that puzzle we was feelin and hearin and seein it. our breathin was weird. and we was scared and we couldn’t stop doing the puzzle. we had to finish the puzzle.

we be real sad. and we feel real bad. linda say we aint bad. she say they was bein bad. she say they bullies. she mad at them. but we just feel bad.

we have been thinking a lot about auditioning for the chorus. one of our dreams is to sing in a chorus again. especially such a highly respected one. but we are terrified to audition. we have always been terrified to audition for anything. our dream and our terror are at war…

then last night we had a dream about auditioning. in this dream we can’t get our throat to clear. so of course, we can’t sing.

the dream has led me to think more about our terror. here is what we have come up with…i wanted to get it down before it slips away. some of it already has slipped away. hopefully i will get those bits back again some time.

if we are to audition, that means everyone will be paying attention to us. just us. on penalty of death we were trained/programmed that at no time were we supposed to let attention gather on us. we are supposed to be invisible. to have that much attention on us is so terrifying. it feels like something we can’t live through.

and if we mess up…oh god…the thought is mortifying.

in the now, the idea of messing up, of being a fool, is ok. i want to be the kind of person who can laugh it off…play it up. but messing up, especially publically, instantly triggers shame and terror. they would kill us…or really hurt us…if we publically screwed up. i think to our parents it meant we were shaming them as well. we were supposed to be perfect.

so we always just abandon any dreams or goals that bring attention to ourselves, or that we might publically make a fool of ourself. but i don’t want to do that anymore. i don’t want to keep sacrificing things for the old rules. but getting past them seems so impossible.

all i know is that several people in the chorus are planning on us auditioning in september when the have auditions next. we have very mixed feelings about it. excitement and fear primarily.

we have been doing much thinking since we wrote last. we have been on our period, and whenever we are menstruating we need alone time. that time seems to always lead us to think and feel and process.

these last many days we have been thinking a lot about culpability…we did horrible things during those dark 21 years. some in us justify it by saying we had no choice…but others quickly jump in and say that we did have a choice–we could have chosen to be the one tortured and killed.

we have always felt a deep connection with the Holocaust and survivors of it. During that time people did what they had to in order to survive in the most depraved situations. still arguments rage inside us…even in those dark times there were heroes who refused to give in…refused to sacrifice their values and morals.

what was the difference between those of us who did whatever we needed to in order to survive and those who died heroes? i want to think of myself as a good person…but in my black and white thinking, the good ones were the heroes. we see ourselves as bad for being like the perps. i know, intellectually, that things aren’t black and white. we still struggle with that. it is so much easier to see the perps as all bad…but where does that leave us?

we’ve been watching movies about the Holocaust and other tragedies, such as the Rowandan genocide. In one of these films, titled “The Cross and the Star” several statements stood out to us. I am going to quote them here.

“In the barbaric conditions of the camps, there was hardly room for ethical discussion. Moral conduct was a luxury in a situation that defied categories of human comportment. Wherein victims were driven by fear, despair and death at every moment.” (narrator)

“Values are a privilege, and even a luxury, for those of us who are free to adopt them, appreciate them, form them and use them. They’re not something we can use or cling to under the stringent situation of atrocity in the camps.” (Prof. Lawrence Langer)

“…just tried to survive the next hour. And let me say, this was the driving motivation. There was no strength or time for philosophizing.” (Samuel Natansohn, Polish Holocaust survivor)

all of these quotes, and the movies/books and our own history, make me think that maybe the morals we can have in a sane situation are completely different from how we survive in an unsane one. this society teaches us that values and morals are immovable, that they must remain the same no matter what. but are they? the human instinct is the survive.

and then their is the voice of the wise one…who is whispering that some peoples job/purpose is to be a hero…and other peoples purpose is the live at whatever cost…to live and tell the tale. to not let the story be forgotten. i suppose that means we are one of these storytellers.

inspection is over. our apartment was not chosen. i try not to be frustrated at the futility of those 13 days of anxiety. after all, much work was done on the apartment and that is good. we like things neater and more organized. and cassidy would not have helped if there hadn’t been a deadline.

the retreat was mostly good. the base was very different from the military bases in utah. we didn’t see the inside of the barracks, which is good because from the description we would have been triggered. there was only one building, the maintenance building, that looked like what we were used to. we stayed in officers housing, which was houses. we had our own room. very nice accommodations. the beach was beautiful! we got to spend time on the beach two different times. but a whole lot of the time we were working. and we got to know many people better.

we finally got a call from our dental student. dshs still hasn’t approved our denture. so it is not even made. even the billing person is surprised it is taking so long. so who knows when the surgery will happen…i have just about given up hope on it. i don’t know how much longer we can hold out. it hurts to eat.

our ears are also hurting. we got an appointment with one of the doctors that works with ours. dr. robbie is on vacation, so we couldn’t see her. the doctor we saw was nice. very cute. our ears aren’t infected, so that is good. the pain is caused by pressure in the sinus cavity that leads to our ears. we can take sudafed to treat the sinus symptoms, but a great deal of the problem won’t clear up until we get these stupid teeth taken care of. argh.

we have been having very active and vivid dreams. we don’t remember most of them. we do remember one from last night…a hospital dream. usually that means something big is going on. i don’t know what that is. i guess time will tell.

a big sigh of relief. hopefully things will be getting calmer for a while. we have done all we are going to do in our apartment prior to inspection. no more.

after our two oral surgery appointments today we are going to chorus retreat. we are excited, but also anxious. anxious because the retreat is on a military base. anxious because there will be a lot of people there. anxious because we are getting a ride there with someone we don’t know very well. anxious because we need to be big pretty much all the time. or at least appear big.

and that is a problem because we have been very switchy lately. little little kids have been coming out a lot. not all of these kids have been upset, even though the majority have. some have been giggly and interactive. still not speaking though.

the really good thing is that today at our oral surgery appointment we will be finding out when the surgery will be. the stupid surgery will be such a relief…it has been hurting so much just to eat. it sucks.

anyway…time to go to our appointments.

on the first we received notice that HUD is going to being inspecting apartments in my building on the 13th. we got 13 fucking days notice.

we have been freaking out about this. big time. so much anxiety.

part of the problem is that we have never, since we moved in, gotten our apartment organized and set up right. so things get messy really easily, as there aren’t correct places to put things.

part of the problem is that this is such a small space…we have been trying to cut down on the amount of belongings we have. we’ve gotten rid of quite a bit. but i won’t force anyone to give up anything they want. and since space is so limited…there generally tends to be stuff everywhere.

and the biggest part of the problem is that we are scared of the woman who does the inspection. (a man and a woman do it together)

the first time we were inspected she was so mean to us. granted our apartment could have been neater…but still…they are so fucking nitpicky. she was so mean she had us in tears. and then she snapped at us, “now why are you crying?” basically she was of the opinion that we just didn’t try. she couldn’t understand that we are disabled for a reason. we often get so overwhelmed…can’t function. but she didn’t really give a shit.

ever since that first time, the kids freak out big time when we get a notice of an inspection. they are afraid of the mean lady. they hate strangers in our space. it feels so violating to have people walking around our safe space. and not only walking around, but judging everything.

this is one of the reasons we hate living in housing. we hate the lack of control. it can never really feel like a home. it can never feel completely safe.

we have been working really hard since we got the notice. we have been panicked a great deal of the time. the panic is so strong! it feels like we can’t possibly get it done in time. plus we will be missing several days that might have been useful in cleaning/organizing…the Seattle Women’s Chorus Retreat is from friday to sunday, and we are going. the inspection is monday.

argh! it is so easy for the panic to spiral out of control…it is hard to keep a lid on it.

but…maybe we can actually get the apartment finished this time. then we would feel a lot better about people coming over.

and we are worried about robbie…the moving of stuff really stresses her out. she is hiding in her house 97% of the time right now. i hope she will be ok.

we feel so overwhelmed and anxious! we just don’t know what to do with it all.

since monday the ghost kids have been freaking out. very agitated. for the most part we haven’t been able to get out around them. so we haven’t been able to communicate with anyone. and we weren’t able to go to therapy. they feel safest at home, so they certainly don’t want to leave.

along with their agitation, we have been feeling sad and hopeless and anxious. people want to cut. people want to drink. people want to drug. but even with all those desires, most of us know that those things wouldn’t make us feel any better. in fact, they would make us feel worse. so i guess even in these hard times there is growth and progress. the self-harm crap is losing some of its hold.

these past few days there have been near constant body memories. and a couple of relives. it is frustrating, because the memories aren’t even new memories. but i guess we have to deal with them on yet another level. probably related somehow to the ghost kids.

i don’t know how to deal with all this…except to hold on as best we can.