indigos journal

on the first we received notice that HUD is going to being inspecting apartments in my building on the 13th. we got 13 fucking days notice.

we have been freaking out about this. big time. so much anxiety.

part of the problem is that we have never, since we moved in, gotten our apartment organized and set up right. so things get messy really easily, as there aren’t correct places to put things.

part of the problem is that this is such a small space…we have been trying to cut down on the amount of belongings we have. we’ve gotten rid of quite a bit. but i won’t force anyone to give up anything they want. and since space is so limited…there generally tends to be stuff everywhere.

and the biggest part of the problem is that we are scared of the woman who does the inspection. (a man and a woman do it together)

the first time we were inspected she was so mean to us. granted our apartment could have been neater…but still…they are so fucking nitpicky. she was so mean she had us in tears. and then she snapped at us, “now why are you crying?” basically she was of the opinion that we just didn’t try. she couldn’t understand that we are disabled for a reason. we often get so overwhelmed…can’t function. but she didn’t really give a shit.

ever since that first time, the kids freak out big time when we get a notice of an inspection. they are afraid of the mean lady. they hate strangers in our space. it feels so violating to have people walking around our safe space. and not only walking around, but judging everything.

this is one of the reasons we hate living in housing. we hate the lack of control. it can never really feel like a home. it can never feel completely safe.

we have been working really hard since we got the notice. we have been panicked a great deal of the time. the panic is so strong! it feels like we can’t possibly get it done in time. plus we will be missing several days that might have been useful in cleaning/organizing…the Seattle Women’s Chorus Retreat is from friday to sunday, and we are going. the inspection is monday.

argh! it is so easy for the panic to spiral out of control…it is hard to keep a lid on it.

but…maybe we can actually get the apartment finished this time. then we would feel a lot better about people coming over.

and we are worried about robbie…the moving of stuff really stresses her out. she is hiding in her house 97% of the time right now. i hope she will be ok.

we feel so overwhelmed and anxious! we just don’t know what to do with it all.