indigos journal

we have been thinking a lot about auditioning for the chorus. one of our dreams is to sing in a chorus again. especially such a highly respected one. but we are terrified to audition. we have always been terrified to audition for anything. our dream and our terror are at war…

then last night we had a dream about auditioning. in this dream we can’t get our throat to clear. so of course, we can’t sing.

the dream has led me to think more about our terror. here is what we have come up with…i wanted to get it down before it slips away. some of it already has slipped away. hopefully i will get those bits back again some time.

if we are to audition, that means everyone will be paying attention to us. just us. on penalty of death we were trained/programmed that at no time were we supposed to let attention gather on us. we are supposed to be invisible. to have that much attention on us is so terrifying. it feels like something we can’t live through.

and if we mess up…oh god…the thought is mortifying.

in the now, the idea of messing up, of being a fool, is ok. i want to be the kind of person who can laugh it off…play it up. but messing up, especially publically, instantly triggers shame and terror. they would kill us…or really hurt us…if we publically screwed up. i think to our parents it meant we were shaming them as well. we were supposed to be perfect.

so we always just abandon any dreams or goals that bring attention to ourselves, or that we might publically make a fool of ourself. but i don’t want to do that anymore. i don’t want to keep sacrificing things for the old rules. but getting past them seems so impossible.

all i know is that several people in the chorus are planning on us auditioning in september when the have auditions next. we have very mixed feelings about it. excitement and fear primarily.