indigos journal

date unknown. wow….so sad!
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date unknown
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Storms crashing
Eerily angry
Seemingly neverending
Tears of pain and anguish
Like the raindrops
Start life new
Refreshing
Cleansing
Reviving
Nourishing all they touch

The world threatens to end
Under the boom of the mighty storm

date unknown. when this was originally written, it did not have a title. the title was added much later.
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date unknown. when this was originally written, it did not have a title. the title was added much later. i suspect that tasha wrote this, as she is the main one of us who believes in god.
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date unknown. when this was originally written, it did not have a title. the title was added much later.
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date unknown at this time. (for many of the poems, we no longer have the original. and for some odd reason the copies don’t have dates.)
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it has been a while since we have written. it seems words have been distant.

easter has past. unfortunately the storm of easter has not.

life for us right now seems to be happening on two levels. one is the here; the now. the second is some other time and space. the now is pretty good. our denture is almost complete, so surgery should be soon. our computer reached the company and has been fixed. it is on the way back. we have many friends.

we are having trouble staying connected to this reality; to the now. we keep being drawn to that second reality. this reality is not so good. there is depression, despair, self injury, anxiety…in this other place we feel so lost and disconnected from everything and everyone. we feel so alone. it is getting harder and harder to connect with the here and now.

but we will have to fake some competence, as part of each of the next four days will be spent working with the chorus.

last night was our first time working at safeco field. we were on our feet for around 7 hours. plus lots of bending, some heavy lifting. all of which leads to very sore indigos. we are in much pain. back, feet, muscles we didn’t know we had.

we messed up a couple of times…the training was really crappy. we were not given enough training to adequately know how to do everything. but, we screwed up a couple of times and we had a very hard time getting to sleep because we kept replaying it in our head…we know that we were feeling triggered…because we felt shame and impending disaster because we had those mistakes.

at least next time we will know what we’re doing…

and, aside from the harder aspects, like pain and triggered stuff, it was fun. it feels nice to at least sometimes feel competent.

and today, we get to go see the Seattle Men’s Chorus! there are many perks to working with Flying House Productions and the Seattle Women’s Chorus. That is one sad part about becoming a singing member instead of an associate…no more comp tickets. anyway…we are really looking forward to it. i hear it is an awesome show.

i am really proud of us. we have had many wins this week.

when we went out for lunch on tuesday, before therapy, we had corn instead of extra mashed potatoes like we used to. soda is our biggest downfall, sugar wise…but the kids wanted a rootbeer. so i made a deal with them. they could have rootbeer while we were at the food place, but we would not refill it, and we would not take it with us when we left. so at therapy we drank cold water. i think that was a very good compromise.

then last night, we actually cooked! we made this rice/chicken thing that we just made out of ingredients in our cupboard. it has been quite a while since we have been able to do more than easy one step heat something in the microwave.

then just now we took a shower. no one was here to help us. we struggle with showers so much. there is always incredible fear and anxiety. showering usually requires someone here to help us. but we managed to do it on our own.

and today we are going to wear our one skirt. the more feminine ones have been wanting to for a long time, but the butch ones keep fighting it…they care so much about what people think of us…they want to be seen as butch, as dyke…they are afraid that people will think less of them if some of us are femmer. and, the truth is, some people will. but we are slowly getting to the point where it doesn’t matter what those people think. the people that really matter to us will see who we are. but it is still a struggle. that is why i am so proud of us that we are going to wear a skirt today.

we still have many moments when the sadness seems so strong…when we can barely feel the connections to people in our life. we hate that lonely feeling.