indigos journal

i am really proud of us. we have had many wins this week.

when we went out for lunch on tuesday, before therapy, we had corn instead of extra mashed potatoes like we used to. soda is our biggest downfall, sugar wise…but the kids wanted a rootbeer. so i made a deal with them. they could have rootbeer while we were at the food place, but we would not refill it, and we would not take it with us when we left. so at therapy we drank cold water. i think that was a very good compromise.

then last night, we actually cooked! we made this rice/chicken thing that we just made out of ingredients in our cupboard. it has been quite a while since we have been able to do more than easy one step heat something in the microwave.

then just now we took a shower. no one was here to help us. we struggle with showers so much. there is always incredible fear and anxiety. showering usually requires someone here to help us. but we managed to do it on our own.

and today we are going to wear our one skirt. the more feminine ones have been wanting to for a long time, but the butch ones keep fighting it…they care so much about what people think of us…they want to be seen as butch, as dyke…they are afraid that people will think less of them if some of us are femmer. and, the truth is, some people will. but we are slowly getting to the point where it doesn’t matter what those people think. the people that really matter to us will see who we are. but it is still a struggle. that is why i am so proud of us that we are going to wear a skirt today.

we still have many moments when the sadness seems so strong…when we can barely feel the connections to people in our life. we hate that lonely feeling.