indigos journal

some things are improving, and some things are staying the same…sad, depressed, panicky, struggling with self-harm, chaotic, etc…

the things that are improving–surgery, computer stuff

we are definitely having surgery on monday. we are really scared about it. we are scared of dying. being scared of dying is a really new experience for the majority of us. for most of our life we have either been suicidal and/or not cared if we died.

at the same time, we are excited and relieved that it is finally happening. we have been waiting for so long. the end of pain (this kind anyway) is near. maybe our health can even improve if we don’t have a constant infection.

we are really blessed to have such caring friends…our friends are going out of their way to help us prepare for and recover from surgery. it makes a huge difference.

friday night we started putting our computer back together again. while we are still mourning for all the stuff we lost when it crashed, we did what had to be done…we reformatted the hard drive. luckily it still works. so we spent friday night and saturday getting software installed and occasionally troubleshooting. it feels so good that we did it ourself! usually we have someone else do it for us because we don’t believe in ourself. (even though we help other people with their computers)

we even had a problem tonight that we had to go searching to find the explanation for and solution to. and we did it!

it just feels so good to handle something on our own.

but, like we said, there is still much trouble as well. we are managing to distract ourselves from it much of the time by staying busy. but in quiet moments and in therapy it always surfaces. so we stay awake until we are too tired to stay awake any longer.

sometimes all we see on the surface is panic attacks, people saying stuff (or just mumbling), and headaches. sometimes we have huge waves of intense emotions that seem to never end. sadness, depression, hopelessness, fear. sometimes it is the strong pull to cut.

we saw our backup therapist today. that was helpful, i think. she gave us a new way of thinking about things. we often feel guilty when we can only sit with the pain and stuff for small amounts of time. she said that the way she sees it is as water ebbing and flowing.

i like this picture. it is natural and necessary for things to ebb and flow. life couldn’t exist without that. so too is our emotional state. it is natural and perfectly ok for the feelings to come and go.

it also is helping us, so far, to handle the waves a bit more. we tend to panic when the intense feelings hit. it feels like we will be swallowed and never make it out. but with the ebb and flow we can be reassured that we will not be stuck forever in the pain. we can be reassured that it will end.

i don’t know…knowing that how we are is natural…as in like nature itself…helps ease some of the guilt and shame that we carry. we have so much respect for nature…and the healing inherent in nature. nature always strives towards healing and wellness. we may not understand her methods, but the drive is there.

a major support fell out from under us today. lake chelan hospital’s emotional trauma unit has closed. this is so huge.

i don’t really have many words right now…

i just know that lake chelan has been there for us…at times when it was the last possible things to keep us from completely giving up.

and now, to not have it…

it may seem stupid…but just the knowledge that it isn’t there in case we need it is enough to make our depression and hopelessness so much more profound.

sometimes there is so much in our head that it feels as though the top is going to come off! and at those times it is usually so hard to find words to express what is inside.

we finally have a surgery date. it looks like it will actually happen this time. but we are afraid to get our hopes up. and we are scared about it. which is weird…we have never been afraid of surgery before. or, at least, not that I was aware of. and you know how much that is worth, being dissociative and all.

things are somewhat better overall. we are not sleeping constantly anymore. we are still really struggling with depression and self-harm stuff. the only reason we haven’t seriously considered hospitalization this last week (linda has suggested it) is because we don’t want to risk losing our surgery date. so we are muddling through somehow.

we have been doing intense work in therapy, but it feels like we haven’t gotten very far with what is going on. it seems to be taking longer than it usually does. but, then again, we are notoriously bad with relating to time.

we have therapy tomorrow, and then our therapist is going to be gone for 2 sessions. ugh. we are really scared about that. luckily we get to see our backup therapist once during that time. so we won’t be totally floating on our own.

our friends have really helped us get through this so far. they have all been there for us. it means so much.

we did learn an interesting thing in therapy last time…the kid that was out talking with our therapist described a large glass thing…like a giant window…but the material it was made of was more resilient than glass. on the other side of the window thing was a bunch of other people that most of us have never seen before. even the kid talking about it hadn’t seen it or the people before. we could see the people, but couldn’t communicate with them.

now someone is telling me that to get to that window, that divider, we have to travel a long way into the mountains in our world. it is at the top of a mountain.

right now it all seems very unreal. but i also know how emotional and deep-felt it was to us when we were discovering it.

stupid denial and self-doubt. just like how we aren’t really multiple. yeah, right.

we are invisible…becoming more and more transparent…soon we will be completely gone.

free of hope,
free of the past
thank you God of nothing
I’m free at last
I’m free at last …

from Indigo Girls “Free of Hope”
CD: Rarities

oh wait…that should be dreams & electronics. my mistake.

there is so much inside…it feels like we will never be able to get it all out.

i guess we’ll just throw the worst out first…we finally took down the computer we have been borrowing and put up our own. when we did this we found out that our hard drive is probably toast. the computer itself is fixed, but somehow along the way our hard drive got fucked. so windows won’t boot. the computer recognizes the hard drive, but keeps saying that the disc is empty. so…most likely we have irretrievably lost everything on the drive. some of that stuff was really important to us and it can not be replaced. the drive itself might be ok after a format…but we don’t know yet.

this news completely depresses us. it’s why we took so long in setting it back up…we were afraid that it wouldn’t work. it just feels like this big loss…we can’t even put into words how huge this is for us. we have felt like crying all day, and in fact did cry for a little bit.

a friend perma-loaned us a tv, and we hooked that up today as well. we haven’t tested everything to make sure it still works, but I can’t see why it wouldn’t. so at least we have that. it too is a loss, because we have had that tv for quite a while-there are memories attached to it. this new one is smaller.

so what electronic thing will go next? probably our microwave…another one we couldn’t live without. well, we could, we just would eat even less than we do now.

we just feel so frustrated…it’s not like we have the money to replace these things that crap out on us. hell, we still haven’t gotten our scooter fixed. and i don’t know when we will be able to.

plus, we still have the memory stuff going on…and the new people. we weren’t able to deal with it yesterday in therapy because we had to go work at safeco field right after therapy. to get into deep stuff would have rendered us incapable of working.

the working went pretty well. we sold a lot less this time then we did last time. there was less attendance at the game. the liquor board had a sting operation going…they sent minors around to all the stands selling alcohol. the minor would try to buy alcohol. this guy came to our stand…i thought he was 21, but we are supposed to i.d. if the person looks under forty. so we i.d.’ed him. it wasn’t even a fake i.d.! it listed his birthday as sometime in 1986. (to buy, people had to be born on or before 5-5-85) so we said we couldn’t sell to him. he looked really dejected and walked away. then this other guy came up really fast and told me he was from the liquor board…and that they were doing a sting…congratulations, you passed! and he gave me this pin that said “we i.d. #1″ and wrote down our name and stuff. we were really excited and proud.

we have been having lots of vivid dreams. most of them we can’t remember in the morning, but here are a few.

in one dream us, our therapist, and a friend who has the same therapist were out somewhere together. (like a mall or something). then we were leaving the place…heading to her van that was parked in the parking lot. our friend was ahead of us. our therapist was walking alongside us. then she took our hand and we were holding hands with her as we walked to her van. when we had the dream, we were kind of weirded out because the only time we have held hands with someone was when we were dating them or in a relationship. but in the dream it didn’t feel like that…we felt really loved and supported, but not in a significant other kind of way. it made our heart all warm. we felt valued.

in another dream we were standing in a hallway. then, on our left side, our therapist from utah (the good one) walked up to us and started talking to us. she came there to talk to us. then our current therapist was there. then…there was some kind of decision being made…about us…it wasn’t like a courtroom, but it was an important decision. our current therapist was testifying on our behalf. she called our old therapist and told her what was happening…and janice (the former therapist) came all this way to testify for us as well. they were both saying wonderful things about us. we weren’t in the room it was happening, so we don’t know the exact statements, but we got the gist of it…we know they were saying how they saw us, our qualities, our potential, our prognosis…they both said that we had so much to give to the world and that we would not commit suicide. the dream left us feeling so wonderful and supported.

then last night…we had a hospital dream. i don’t remember it for the most part…just bits and pieces. but we always feel kind of weird and worried when we have psych hospital dreams.

it’s weird how cathartic writing can be. we are feeling a bit better as we have written this. we are still feeling alone…but not quite so depressed. we are still struggling with self harm drives…

the kid who wrote earlier called our therapist. we talked with her for a little bit. we were able to feel connected with her again, and thus not feel all alone. we also learned more about what is going on.

apparantly drew is not the only new one around. there is a little who is scared and anxious and lost. she brought a new memory with her. just thinking about the bit of memory we know makes us start to go away…we are definitely not ready to talk about it yet. we did, however, tell our therapist the bit we know.

between the deep unhappiness and aloneness of drew and the fear and panic and aloneness of this little one, we were really in a bad spot. there seems to be some distance from it right now, but i know it isn’t gone…whenever i pause in doing stuff it comes right back.

nobody knows for sure where she (the little one) is. nobody can see her. drew is the only one who even recognizes her energy. and even he has never seen her…just felt the energy. we are trying to send her messages. i don’t know if they are reaching her.

in therapy tuesday our therapist asked us to see what was going on inside. everything was darker…overcast. and everyone and everything inside was moving slower than things on the outside. (this is unusual) things seem somewhat brighter now, but still somewhat overcast. but in the far off distance we can see some sun barely peaking through the clouds. it’s nice to see even that little bit of sun and hope. things are moving faster than they were, but still not up to the same pace as outside the body.

i suppose i should try and sleep. i have much to do tomorrow…phone calls i am dreading. i have to call the municipial court and take care of a ticket that someone got after they stole our scooter license plate…we have a police report, (which was hard enough to accomplish!!!) but we still need to deal with the courts and the vehicle registration people. the court thing HAS to be done tomorrow. we are really really scared about anything to do with police and courts.

now there’s a topic for journal writing…

we are feeling real sad and real alone.

there is a teenager new to the front. his name is drew. he wants to get high on acid real bad. or pot. but acid is his favrite.

an someone wants to take a bunch of pills.

date unknown
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date unknown
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