indigos journal

oh wait…that should be dreams & electronics. my mistake.

there is so much inside…it feels like we will never be able to get it all out.

i guess we’ll just throw the worst out first…we finally took down the computer we have been borrowing and put up our own. when we did this we found out that our hard drive is probably toast. the computer itself is fixed, but somehow along the way our hard drive got fucked. so windows won’t boot. the computer recognizes the hard drive, but keeps saying that the disc is empty. so…most likely we have irretrievably lost everything on the drive. some of that stuff was really important to us and it can not be replaced. the drive itself might be ok after a format…but we don’t know yet.

this news completely depresses us. it’s why we took so long in setting it back up…we were afraid that it wouldn’t work. it just feels like this big loss…we can’t even put into words how huge this is for us. we have felt like crying all day, and in fact did cry for a little bit.

a friend perma-loaned us a tv, and we hooked that up today as well. we haven’t tested everything to make sure it still works, but I can’t see why it wouldn’t. so at least we have that. it too is a loss, because we have had that tv for quite a while-there are memories attached to it. this new one is smaller.

so what electronic thing will go next? probably our microwave…another one we couldn’t live without. well, we could, we just would eat even less than we do now.

we just feel so frustrated…it’s not like we have the money to replace these things that crap out on us. hell, we still haven’t gotten our scooter fixed. and i don’t know when we will be able to.

plus, we still have the memory stuff going on…and the new people. we weren’t able to deal with it yesterday in therapy because we had to go work at safeco field right after therapy. to get into deep stuff would have rendered us incapable of working.

the working went pretty well. we sold a lot less this time then we did last time. there was less attendance at the game. the liquor board had a sting operation going…they sent minors around to all the stands selling alcohol. the minor would try to buy alcohol. this guy came to our stand…i thought he was 21, but we are supposed to i.d. if the person looks under forty. so we i.d.’ed him. it wasn’t even a fake i.d.! it listed his birthday as sometime in 1986. (to buy, people had to be born on or before 5-5-85) so we said we couldn’t sell to him. he looked really dejected and walked away. then this other guy came up really fast and told me he was from the liquor board…and that they were doing a sting…congratulations, you passed! and he gave me this pin that said “we i.d. #1″ and wrote down our name and stuff. we were really excited and proud.

we have been having lots of vivid dreams. most of them we can’t remember in the morning, but here are a few.

in one dream us, our therapist, and a friend who has the same therapist were out somewhere together. (like a mall or something). then we were leaving the place…heading to her van that was parked in the parking lot. our friend was ahead of us. our therapist was walking alongside us. then she took our hand and we were holding hands with her as we walked to her van. when we had the dream, we were kind of weirded out because the only time we have held hands with someone was when we were dating them or in a relationship. but in the dream it didn’t feel like that…we felt really loved and supported, but not in a significant other kind of way. it made our heart all warm. we felt valued.

in another dream we were standing in a hallway. then, on our left side, our therapist from utah (the good one) walked up to us and started talking to us. she came there to talk to us. then our current therapist was there. then…there was some kind of decision being made…about us…it wasn’t like a courtroom, but it was an important decision. our current therapist was testifying on our behalf. she called our old therapist and told her what was happening…and janice (the former therapist) came all this way to testify for us as well. they were both saying wonderful things about us. we weren’t in the room it was happening, so we don’t know the exact statements, but we got the gist of it…we know they were saying how they saw us, our qualities, our potential, our prognosis…they both said that we had so much to give to the world and that we would not commit suicide. the dream left us feeling so wonderful and supported.

then last night…we had a hospital dream. i don’t remember it for the most part…just bits and pieces. but we always feel kind of weird and worried when we have psych hospital dreams.

it’s weird how cathartic writing can be. we are feeling a bit better as we have written this. we are still feeling alone…but not quite so depressed. we are still struggling with self harm drives…