queen of wordlessness
sometimes there is so much in our head that it feels as though the top is going to come off! and at those times it is usually so hard to find words to express what is inside.
we finally have a surgery date. it looks like it will actually happen this time. but we are afraid to get our hopes up. and we are scared about it. which is weird…we have never been afraid of surgery before. or, at least, not that I was aware of. and you know how much that is worth, being dissociative and all.
things are somewhat better overall. we are not sleeping constantly anymore. we are still really struggling with depression and self-harm stuff. the only reason we haven’t seriously considered hospitalization this last week (linda has suggested it) is because we don’t want to risk losing our surgery date. so we are muddling through somehow.
we have been doing intense work in therapy, but it feels like we haven’t gotten very far with what is going on. it seems to be taking longer than it usually does. but, then again, we are notoriously bad with relating to time.
we have therapy tomorrow, and then our therapist is going to be gone for 2 sessions. ugh. we are really scared about that. luckily we get to see our backup therapist once during that time. so we won’t be totally floating on our own.
our friends have really helped us get through this so far. they have all been there for us. it means so much.
we did learn an interesting thing in therapy last time…the kid that was out talking with our therapist described a large glass thing…like a giant window…but the material it was made of was more resilient than glass. on the other side of the window thing was a bunch of other people that most of us have never seen before. even the kid talking about it hadn’t seen it or the people before. we could see the people, but couldn’t communicate with them.
now someone is telling me that to get to that window, that divider, we have to travel a long way into the mountains in our world. it is at the top of a mountain.
right now it all seems very unreal. but i also know how emotional and deep-felt it was to us when we were discovering it.
stupid denial and self-doubt. just like how we aren’t really multiple. yeah, right.
we sometimes feel fake/dumb when we are dealing with things very specific to the inside world, too. especially the landscape and such. but it is so very real. i’m glad you talked about it because that’s so the kind of thing we learn about our system… like there are so few memories, but i know at least 13 of the mirrors. and we feel stupid about that sometimes. like if we were real there wouldn’t be that, or the ratio would be different, or something.
you are really multiple. (o:
and really, if you think about the inner world and why it’s there, it makes total sense that revelations about it would be really big and deep. it sounds really awesome and breakthrough-y what you’re close to.
when we are feeling very scientific and denial-y, we try to remind ourselves that geography is just the most efficient metaphor an organic creature could have for organizing SO many people. sometimes we feel more mystical about it. but, even the skeptics inside (the reasonable ones) can concede the point of the metaphor.
i’m sorry things are so hard. i know it is hard to reach out, and we are really proud of you for keeping on trying. we are always here if you ever need to talk.
Comment by myriad — May 16, 2006 @ 11:49 am