as the water
some things are improving, and some things are staying the same…sad, depressed, panicky, struggling with self-harm, chaotic, etc…
the things that are improving–surgery, computer stuff
we are definitely having surgery on monday. we are really scared about it. we are scared of dying. being scared of dying is a really new experience for the majority of us. for most of our life we have either been suicidal and/or not cared if we died.
at the same time, we are excited and relieved that it is finally happening. we have been waiting for so long. the end of pain (this kind anyway) is near. maybe our health can even improve if we don’t have a constant infection.
we are really blessed to have such caring friends…our friends are going out of their way to help us prepare for and recover from surgery. it makes a huge difference.
friday night we started putting our computer back together again. while we are still mourning for all the stuff we lost when it crashed, we did what had to be done…we reformatted the hard drive. luckily it still works. so we spent friday night and saturday getting software installed and occasionally troubleshooting. it feels so good that we did it ourself! usually we have someone else do it for us because we don’t believe in ourself. (even though we help other people with their computers)
we even had a problem tonight that we had to go searching to find the explanation for and solution to. and we did it!
it just feels so good to handle something on our own.
but, like we said, there is still much trouble as well. we are managing to distract ourselves from it much of the time by staying busy. but in quiet moments and in therapy it always surfaces. so we stay awake until we are too tired to stay awake any longer.
sometimes all we see on the surface is panic attacks, people saying stuff (or just mumbling), and headaches. sometimes we have huge waves of intense emotions that seem to never end. sadness, depression, hopelessness, fear. sometimes it is the strong pull to cut.
we saw our backup therapist today. that was helpful, i think. she gave us a new way of thinking about things. we often feel guilty when we can only sit with the pain and stuff for small amounts of time. she said that the way she sees it is as water ebbing and flowing.
i like this picture. it is natural and necessary for things to ebb and flow. life couldn’t exist without that. so too is our emotional state. it is natural and perfectly ok for the feelings to come and go.
it also is helping us, so far, to handle the waves a bit more. we tend to panic when the intense feelings hit. it feels like we will be swallowed and never make it out. but with the ebb and flow we can be reassured that we will not be stuck forever in the pain. we can be reassured that it will end.
i don’t know…knowing that how we are is natural…as in like nature itself…helps ease some of the guilt and shame that we carry. we have so much respect for nature…and the healing inherent in nature. nature always strives towards healing and wellness. we may not understand her methods, but the drive is there.
