she got me
i gave in.
i’m already kicking myself. and feeling guilty.
but i gave in.
cassidy couldn’t find anyone to take sparky. today is the deadline…so the only other option was putting her down. a robust, healthy cat. and i gave in when she asked us to take her. supposedly for only a couple of weeks. but things with cassidy are never as fast as she says they are going to be. besides…it’s not like she has any money to get a place to live.
so why did i do it? because i felt guilty. and because i have a really hard time saying no. and maybe, deep down, because we still think if we are good enough, then she will love us and treat us right. and, deep down, when i say “she” we are really meaning our mother. there is and has always been so much mom stuff whenever we are dealing with cassidy.
i know it’s not logical. i know that nothing we can say or do will make our mother or cassidy happy with us. but knowing that in our head doesn’t seem to convince littles.
and we are especially vulnerable to it right now…at a time when our therapist is not happy with us. cause there is definitely a lot of mom stuff that gets triggered with her.
in so many ways we have gotten a lot stronger and more self-confident. but in some ways we can still be triggered pretty easily.
does that ever change?
and we are continuing to feel much sadness and aloneness. the feelings are very much like when we were a teenager.