indigos journal

we had our chorus audition today. and we were bad. really bad. we were so scared and anxious. i’m sure we didn’t make it. but, we won’t know for sure until tuesday some time. the waiting is hard.

we feel really bad that we screwed it up. and i don’t know if i have the guts to audition again next quarter.

sigh…

we just got back from camping. it was really fun, but much too short. i really wish we could have stayed longer. the peace and quiet were such a welcome change from the constant noise of the freeway outside my window. with the exception of the abundant mosquito population, we love being in nature. well…that whole crouching-to-pee-while-avoiding-wetting-self-and-clothes thing isn’t so fun either. but mostly it is great.

by the time we got back in town today we had received a message from the doctor’s office. my blood levels are mostly good, with the exception of vitamin levels. Some of my vitamin levels are extremely low, which explains the fatigue and pain. i have to go in to see the nurse once a week for four weeks to get B-12 shots and take two different vitamin pills once a week for four weeks. plus prenatal vitamins every day for who knows how long. in eight weeks they will test my vitamin levels again.

we are not looking forward to the prenatal vitamins. we have been prescribed them in the past, and they taste ever so nasty. we always ended up going off of them after only a few days. but somehow we are going to have to take them this time, because the fatigue and pain are so bad.

but at least we know what is happening. it is always worse to not know. our imagination tends to run away with us and we imagine all sorts of horrible things.

on a whole other subject…and somewhat trivial…we finally found a diet soda that we like! we had found one that was ok (Peach Fresca) but this one we actually like a lot. it is diet sunkist. we have been trying to find a diet soda that we like, because we often can’t drink water. which means, essentially, that we are getting way too much sugar because we drink soda and juices. so i am psyched that we found something.

the first few days of our therapist being gone were really hard. the last few have been better, but that might have been because we were camping. our anxiety level is still higher then usual. the next few days won’t make it any better…we have our backup therapist tomorrow, vet appointment for robbie friday (yay!) and chorus audition on saturday. these are good and exciting things, but still very stressful. we are glad that robbie will being going to the vet. she really needs her medication. we are so worried about her. she is not handling the stress of sparky well.

and we are very scared about the audition on saturday. i hope it goes ok.

our life is basically ok. we went to therapy on friday and worked things out with our therapist. we are very happy about that. we so hate it when things aren’t right between us and our therapist. it makes everything seem wrong.

things are basically ok, but there are still things going on. physically we are still having problems. still a lot of body pain and still the female issue. luckily we have an appointment with our doctor tomorrow. we are hoping to get some answers and a plan of action to start feeling better physically.

then there is the still present mumbling…the anxiety…the not sleeping at night. some of the things that people have been saying:

“shut up”

“stop it”

“no..no..no..no”

and then the rhythmic movements…which i know are coming from the autistics.

the only clue i have is pictures and words (the words are not ours…they are from people outside of us) that have come up a bunch of times:
“take it bitch”

“you are bad!”

“i’m ashamed of you”

pictures: being locked in a dark dark closet…there are spiders. it feel like forever that we in there. we hate when we get locked in here. we try to be good. we try so hard. sometimes we don’t even know what we done wrong. but we know we bad.

pictures: being tied to a wood chair. naked. being yelled at.

pictures: had to drink bad water. feel real funny. we be laughed at.

it is so hard to catch all the pictures and words before they are gone. it seems like they are right there within view until we try and focus on them. maybe cause we are trying to tell. not supposed to tell. we bein bad again.

What Can I Say
Brandi Carlile

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can’t stand the state that I’m in
Sometimes it feels like the wall’s closing in

Oh Lord what can I say
I’m so sad since you went away
Time time tickin’ on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say

Try and burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
It seems no matter how hard I try
It feels like there’s something just missing inside

Oh Lord what can I say
I’m so sad since you went away
Time time tickin’ on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn’t burned

Oh Lord what can I say
I’m so sad since you went away
Time time tickin’ on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be

Oh Lord what can I say
I’m so sad since you went away
Time time tickin’ on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say

there is much panic and talk inside our head right now. much mumbling. seems rather chaotic. it is all we can do to get up each day and then to leave the house, at least for a little bit. and we feel very alone. we keep sending these words out there into the ether…and they seem to not be seen or heard. perhaps we have borrowed harry’s invisibility cloak again. in any case, we don’t like how we are feeling.

today should have been therapy. the protests started as early as yesterday evening. young ones crying, begging to not have to go. it feels as though they think it is a punishment. when i kept pushing, they finally dug their heels in and simply refused to go. but, of course, they were not willing to make the call to tell her that. that anxiety-producing duty fell to me.

i am sure that part of our panic and chaos is because we are quite sure that our therapist is mad at us. not only for the crap last week, but also for canceling. and at such late notice. but i kept trying to get us to go. it scares them to think of going to therapy. and i know that the more we put it off, the harder it gets. i am sure there will be another power struggle on friday.

another thing contributing to our current state is the damn cat situation. it is really hard on the young ones to have two cats hissing constantly. and sometimes the hissing it at us. i know that it is not personal, that the cats don’t hate us. they are just stressed out in a difficult situation. but i don’t think the kids believe that. it feels awful to them. and they hate being afraid of robbie…but she has attacked us a couple of times, so they are. it’s not her fault…it is the stress causing her seizures to happen a hell of a lot of the time.

i hate these down times. it seems like things were finally going well. and no matter what our therapist says, we didn’t sabotage it. these times have always come…the difference is that they are not as severe as they used to be. when they are here, it feels like things will never get better. we literally can’t imagine them being better. i know now, from experience, that our relationship with time is screwed up and they will improve. but it is an exercise in faith.

in the meantime, we are here floating in space. ever so tired. can anyone see or hear us?