indigos journal

i don’t want to be here fucking writing in this journal. i want to be playing the game. but they made this *rule* that we have to write before we can log on. and since i’m trying to fit in, or get along, or something…i guess i should give it a try.

i am the one who has been mad lately. well, i’m almost always mad. they’ve just been *feeling* me lately. and freaking out. like i’m some big, bad monster.

it was actually kind of funny in therapy today…the therapist wanted to talk to me. me, as in “the mad one “. the fronts never want to let me out…they are afraid of what i’ll say and do. so they were fighting me as usual. but, they also have this big need to be “the perfect client” so they had themselves quite the conondrum…they didn’t want to let me out, but they wanted to please her. so they finally let me out.

she (the therapist) said that she liked me. that she enjoyed talking to me. i’m not sure what to think of that. NO ONE has ever liked me. usually they are afraid of and/or hate me.

the only problem she had is with me calling the others names. a lot of the time i get blamed for it when it’s not me. but sometimes it is. i’ll try not to, but it’s hard to not call someone stupid when they are being really stupid. and, in truth, sometimes they really piss me off. especially when they let someone walk all over us or guilt trip us. i don’t stand for that bullshit.

anyway, i can’t talk long because it is really hard to be “civilized” and restrain myself.

J

the bigs maked a new rule…we cant log in to WoW until we write in our journal.  we are glad for the new rule. cause we miss writin here.

we all still be kind of spacy…like we sittin somewhere and then just stare off and noone be in the body.  and someone inside still be real mad.  we dont know why.  and someone been wantin to cut.  and we been real tired and overwhelmed.  we dont know why.

the bigs promised to take waldo to therapy but they keep not wanting to. they forgot on last friday and on tuesday. we remind them today and they get all whiny cause they dont really want to. but they promised so they gotta.

there be this new little that been out that keeps smelling things cause it helps them feel safer.  like they hold our jacket shirt up to their nose so that they smellin it.  and they hold waldo to their nose to be smellin him.

we dont know what else to write about cause someone not likin us to be writin.  but we gonna keep tryin anyway.

ever since the wall fell, and the ones behind it joined us, there has been much anxiety and fear. some of the fear has kept us from writing here. but right now i am at the point that i don’t care any more. i know it causes anxiety for some people if i write, but it seems like people are scared right now no matter what. and we really miss writing.

but now that i am here, i don’t know what to say.

i guess i can start with feelings….i already mentioned fear and anxiety. plus there is much sadness. someone is angry and constantly saying mean and critical things to everyone. we are tired. so very tired. i know that part of this is physical…we have been off the vitamin shots for 2 weeks now and we can definitely tell the difference. and lots of people are overwhelmed…just can’t deal with anymore.

therapy on tuesday was hard. it was memory stuff. in some kind of factory.

the biggest thing, though, is the feelings. the anxiety, the sadness…

i think someone is blocking me. there were so many things we wanted to write about, but now i don’t remember any of it. i hate that. hopefully soon we will be able to write for real.

excerpt from Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late
I’m already torn

you can’t run from who we are. you can’t change who we are. shoving us away for all these years hasn’t done you any good. and now here we are again. what are you going to do with us now? (unidentified castout)

here we are…it is after three in the morning. chaos reigning inside. hearing conversations from the past, seeing pictures from the past…people mumbling…anxiety.

i don’t want a war. but it feels like us against them. they consider themselves the castout. what changed things that the wall came down?

“shut up”

“you are so stupid…think you know everything”

the past few nights someone(s) have once again been acting out the pictures and conversations we hear. the memories. sex stuff. being called names. one of these days we might be brave enough to write down what we hear. it is not new stuff…so why does it keep coming back?

“you are so stupid and melodramatic, acting like things are so bad. your life is actually pretty good. you don’t have anything to whine about.”

then why are people wanting to cut? thinking about dying? why is our head so crazy? why do we feel so anxious and upset?

“you are creating it yourself. there is nothing wrong with you and there never has been. you just keep making up crazy stuff to avoid taking responsibility for your life.”

i am so confused. i don’t know who or what to believe. am i crazy? am i bad? am i making it up? are things ok in my life? or are they not ok? i hate when things feel so awful and there is nothing i can point to and say “there…that is what’s wrong!”

“stupid fuck…always screwing things up” (this one is not from one of us…it is something someone else said and we are hearing in our head now)

we feel so completely and utterly alone. it’s really hard to fight the self-harming impulses.

i don’t know if i should publish this…it makes us feel so ashamed.

a couple of weeks ago i mentioned in group that something big had happened in one or our sessions with our backup therapist.  but for some reason i haven’t been able to talk or write about it.  with our regular therapist being back today, and with stuff being so hard, i want to try and talk about it.  i don’t know why it is so hard…it’s not like a bad thing or shameful or anything. it’s actually a positive thing.  but there seems to be this reluctance to tell anyone.

anyway…

several weeks ago, in the first of two sessions with our backup therapist, it happened.  out of the blue. (it seemed like it anyway)  there was this wall…we could see through it, but we could not hear anything from the other side.  we could see people.  we couldn’t break the wall.  then in that session, it just came down.  i don’t know how or why.  the people from the other side were pre-seattle.  they were people and memories that we had shoved away when we ran from utah.  many of us hate who we were back then.

so now there all  these people with all these intense feelings.  i know that this is where our feelings and chaos are coming from right now.  it makes us feel just like we did back then.  they are not good feelings…we barely survived it all the first time around.

there are mixed feelings and reactions to this change in our system. there are some who want to shove it all back where it came from.  they hate those people and the reminders of who we were.  they feel it invalidates who we are now.  there are some who welcome these people and love them.  there are some who are just confused.

i don’t know where that leaves us….i do know that if chelan was still there we might be checking in right now.  things feel that chaotic and overwhelming.  ah well.

i am glad that we have broken through whatever barrier was keeping us from writing. we really miss it when we can’t write.

things are not staying all neat how they are suppossed to…the night is leaking into the day. the feelings and memories and anxiety and struggles that usually happen only at night are here right now in the day time.

so far today we have mostly slept. some it that has been the physical exhaustion, and some has been the emotional stuff. we are feeling lost and unsure of what to do with ourself. nothing sounds good, and everything seems like it will take too much energy.

someone inside is very strongly saying that we should just quit therapy because it isn’t doing us any good anyway.

someone else wants us to go “home” to salt lake.

i hate it when these messages come up…sometimes they can get so hard to fight.

so much…so much…so much…

sometimes, it seems that things are mostly going ok, with the exception of this infernal physical exhaustion. other times, especially at night, it seems like everything is fucked up and nothing is going right. i get so frustrated with myself…i have a very flexible job doing mailing stuff for Jeannie’s business. and i can’t seem to get it done. i also need to reply to someone wanting to know about group…and i haven’t been able to get that done. i just feel so tired. i think i will take a day off tomorrow and just stay home…perhaps then i will be able to get at least those two things done. it seems like there is only so much energy. this last week all our energy has gone to things outside the house…doctor stuff, etc. so much of our basic self-care has been neglected. we are behind on housework as well. we know, intellectually, that a shower would help us feel better. but i just can’t seem to overcome all the fears and reluctance people have.
our therapist is coming back on tuesday. some of us are very excited about that. some, not so much. regardless, i think it will be good. we have been having nightmares pretty much every night and a lot of nighttime anxiety.

right now we are feeling very alone and sad. and some strange feeling that something is horribly wrong….i don’t know how to drescribe it any better than that.

it feels like there is chaos just under the surface. and it is hard to look at and talk about. the bad thing about keeping a journal like this is that it shows me how often things suck. right now it feels so hopeless…it seems like all we write about is how crappy things are. i don’t want my life to be just about that. and it scares us to write about…we are scared that people will get sick of us being depressed or having a hard time. that has happened before.

and someone else says that things aren’t always bad. but they don’t seem to write about the times that they are out and life is better.

sigh…i don’t know…