indigos journal

so much…so much…so much…

sometimes, it seems that things are mostly going ok, with the exception of this infernal physical exhaustion. other times, especially at night, it seems like everything is fucked up and nothing is going right. i get so frustrated with myself…i have a very flexible job doing mailing stuff for Jeannie’s business. and i can’t seem to get it done. i also need to reply to someone wanting to know about group…and i haven’t been able to get that done. i just feel so tired. i think i will take a day off tomorrow and just stay home…perhaps then i will be able to get at least those two things done. it seems like there is only so much energy. this last week all our energy has gone to things outside the house…doctor stuff, etc. so much of our basic self-care has been neglected. we are behind on housework as well. we know, intellectually, that a shower would help us feel better. but i just can’t seem to overcome all the fears and reluctance people have.
our therapist is coming back on tuesday. some of us are very excited about that. some, not so much. regardless, i think it will be good. we have been having nightmares pretty much every night and a lot of nighttime anxiety.

right now we are feeling very alone and sad. and some strange feeling that something is horribly wrong….i don’t know how to drescribe it any better than that.

it feels like there is chaos just under the surface. and it is hard to look at and talk about. the bad thing about keeping a journal like this is that it shows me how often things suck. right now it feels so hopeless…it seems like all we write about is how crappy things are. i don’t want my life to be just about that. and it scares us to write about…we are scared that people will get sick of us being depressed or having a hard time. that has happened before.

and someone else says that things aren’t always bad. but they don’t seem to write about the times that they are out and life is better.

sigh…i don’t know…