indigos journal

a couple of weeks ago i mentioned in group that something big had happened in one or our sessions with our backup therapist.  but for some reason i haven’t been able to talk or write about it.  with our regular therapist being back today, and with stuff being so hard, i want to try and talk about it.  i don’t know why it is so hard…it’s not like a bad thing or shameful or anything. it’s actually a positive thing.  but there seems to be this reluctance to tell anyone.

anyway…

several weeks ago, in the first of two sessions with our backup therapist, it happened.  out of the blue. (it seemed like it anyway)  there was this wall…we could see through it, but we could not hear anything from the other side.  we could see people.  we couldn’t break the wall.  then in that session, it just came down.  i don’t know how or why.  the people from the other side were pre-seattle.  they were people and memories that we had shoved away when we ran from utah.  many of us hate who we were back then.

so now there all  these people with all these intense feelings.  i know that this is where our feelings and chaos are coming from right now.  it makes us feel just like we did back then.  they are not good feelings…we barely survived it all the first time around.

there are mixed feelings and reactions to this change in our system. there are some who want to shove it all back where it came from.  they hate those people and the reminders of who we were.  they feel it invalidates who we are now.  there are some who welcome these people and love them.  there are some who are just confused.

i don’t know where that leaves us….i do know that if chelan was still there we might be checking in right now.  things feel that chaotic and overwhelming.  ah well.