i wanna be like
you can’t run from who we are. you can’t change who we are. shoving us away for all these years hasn’t done you any good. and now here we are again. what are you going to do with us now? (unidentified castout)
here we are…it is after three in the morning. chaos reigning inside. hearing conversations from the past, seeing pictures from the past…people mumbling…anxiety.
i don’t want a war. but it feels like us against them. they consider themselves the castout. what changed things that the wall came down?
“shut up”
“you are so stupid…think you know everything”
the past few nights someone(s) have once again been acting out the pictures and conversations we hear. the memories. sex stuff. being called names. one of these days we might be brave enough to write down what we hear. it is not new stuff…so why does it keep coming back?
“you are so stupid and melodramatic, acting like things are so bad. your life is actually pretty good. you don’t have anything to whine about.”
then why are people wanting to cut? thinking about dying? why is our head so crazy? why do we feel so anxious and upset?
“you are creating it yourself. there is nothing wrong with you and there never has been. you just keep making up crazy stuff to avoid taking responsibility for your life.”
i am so confused. i don’t know who or what to believe. am i crazy? am i bad? am i making it up? are things ok in my life? or are they not ok? i hate when things feel so awful and there is nothing i can point to and say “there…that is what’s wrong!”
“stupid fuck…always screwing things up” (this one is not from one of us…it is something someone else said and we are hearing in our head now)
we feel so completely and utterly alone. it’s really hard to fight the self-harming impulses.
i don’t know if i should publish this…it makes us feel so ashamed.
No need to feel ashamed, I\\\’m sorry your having to hear and see all of this stuff. It doesn\\\’t matter what\\\’s real or not something is real to somone. Take care of your self and do something nice for everyone who is having to deal with this. wandering cat
Comment by wandering cat — September 7, 2006 @ 12:06 pm
we are really glad you posted this. it really helps us and our system. i swear, we could have written every thought… especially the choice word “melodramatic”. oh, if i had a penny for every time they call us that. and most of it we can relate to this month, this week.
i don’t have answers really. i was going to type something about it being ok to have a hard time for no discernable reason, and it is, but then i realized i’m so entangled in this same problem that i don’t have any answers.
imo: you are not bad, not making it up, and only the good kind of crazy. and… for us, at least, things are usually ok and not ok at the same time. just in different proportions, in different aspects of life…
Comment by myriad — September 8, 2006 @ 4:38 pm
we don’t think you screw things up but we really know what that feels like. it makes us want to hide and not be around people ever again cuz we don’t want to screw things up. we’d rather just screw things up with ourselves than screw things up outside and with other people.
we didn’t see this journal entry even though we’ve been checking. so sorry we missed it somehow or maybe some others read it and we don’t know about that.
we just wanted to say we are sorry things are so hard and that we can relate to a lot of what you said.
hugs,
us
Comment by JAGA — September 15, 2006 @ 11:50 pm