if i must
i don’t want to be here fucking writing in this journal. i want to be playing the game. but they made this *rule* that we have to write before we can log on. and since i’m trying to fit in, or get along, or something…i guess i should give it a try.
i am the one who has been mad lately. well, i’m almost always mad. they’ve just been *feeling* me lately. and freaking out. like i’m some big, bad monster.
it was actually kind of funny in therapy today…the therapist wanted to talk to me. me, as in “the mad one “. the fronts never want to let me out…they are afraid of what i’ll say and do. so they were fighting me as usual. but, they also have this big need to be “the perfect client” so they had themselves quite the conondrum…they didn’t want to let me out, but they wanted to please her. so they finally let me out.
she (the therapist) said that she liked me. that she enjoyed talking to me. i’m not sure what to think of that. NO ONE has ever liked me. usually they are afraid of and/or hate me.
the only problem she had is with me calling the others names. a lot of the time i get blamed for it when it’s not me. but sometimes it is. i’ll try not to, but it’s hard to not call someone stupid when they are being really stupid. and, in truth, sometimes they really piss me off. especially when they let someone walk all over us or guilt trip us. i don’t stand for that bullshit.
anyway, i can’t talk long because it is really hard to be “civilized” and restrain myself.
J
Dude, you’re not a monster, but I get what it’s like to be looked at like that. When Julie first learned about me she only knew me as the ‘angry one.’ She just figured that’s all I freaking ass felt and didn’t know that I could be chilled out sometimes and that I’m not so bad. Like she didn’t get that there was more to me than just being freaking ass angry! And like maybe that is all you are, as we got some people in here like that kind of, but there’s reasons why we’re angry or got our point of view or whatever. Even so I know you are way more than a feeling! And like you’re not bad. I mean geez, you’re like talking and trying to work with them and whatever else.
It wasn’t until I really started making myself known to Julie more and talking to her more and then to her friends and stuff that I realized people actually like me. I mean I totally dig it that Julie’s friends like me a lot and think I’m cool and that they’ve like kind of become my friends too. Hell… I think some people like me way more than her! HA!
And I totally get how hard it is to not tell someone they are stupid when they are acting stupid or just plain freaking ass stupid. And I totally get not standing for people walking over ya’ll and other crap like that. Damn! I’m so with ya on that J. Totally. I can’t stand shit like that either. I also can’t stand it when our friends are getting screwed or bugged or whatever– I mean I’m totally there to stand up for them.
I don’t think ya got to be civilized. I mean I think it’s important to be freely you. Maybe there are other ways of saying what ya want to say. I’m learning about all that.
Hang Tough
Billie
Comment by JAGA — September 30, 2006 @ 11:46 pm
Some are just stupid and what else can you say. Too much stupid. Don\’t get me started. If everybody just thought like us then the world would be better. We can\’t even get agreement inside about somethings.
Need to threaten with knives to get them to do the right thing. Oh we better stop.
Your ok you can crunch as many cups as you want. If that helps.
Mad
Comment by Mad — October 2, 2006 @ 11:03 am