indigos journal

we are scared scared of going out.  but we gotta go to therapy.  we want to see linda.  but i wish we didnt have to go out.

we dont really know what else to say.  yesterday the middles played the wow game almost all day cause it was the only thing we could do.  they like to play the game.  they played it some today too.  but we had to stop so we can go out.  bleh.  not want to.

we just babbling.  we hate the scared. specially when our head says there no reason to be scared.  specially when we dont even know why we scared.

eyes seem to be big thing right now.  is it connected to hanoneen?  or is it just cause we found that box of eyes someone cut out of magazines?  dont know.  dont know nothing!  it makes me mad when we dont know nothing!

we gots go now.  we hope we be here after tonight to write more.

we had a bad dream last night.  and the only reason we are password protecting it is because we know that one of our friends would freak out about it.

we were on a boat in the middle of a big lake or ocean or something. and the boat had some problem (that part wasn’t clear–it wasn’t important) then we were in the water with someone else (who was it?) no one was close enough to us to see that we we in the water.  we were in the water forever it seemed. i know it was hours.  it was long enough that our boat completely sank below the water.  it was cold.  and we yelled at finally someone came close enough.  but the boat that came close enough was little and full of people. they were too full to pick us up.  but they said that they would go back to shore and get us help.  then someone else came close but all they did was give us some kind of stick to wave around to try and get attention and help to us.  and then they left too.  and then the waves got bigger. the waves eventually pushed us in towards shore.  and when we were really close to the dock someone helped us get up.  when we were up on the dock we just collapsed there.  we were so tired and in pain.  everything hurt. and we were bruised and scraped up.

the next thing we were in church with our dad. our mom wasn’t there…she was somewhere else.  we were supposed to be with her. except it was our mom, but it was also c and we were supposed to be at a chorus thing with her.  but we were hurting so badly we stayed at church with our father.  and nobody at the church knew yet. but then a couple of women saw us and asked how our face got scraped up. we said that it had been a boat accident.

it was scary.  and we felt alone and abandoned.

friday and saturday were both really good days.  nothing special happened on friday, we were just feeling good.  and then on saturday we went with anita and her son and his friend to a pumpkin farm.  we got to go in a corn maze.  and we had a fresh, warm powdered sugar covered pumpkin donut.  we choose pumpkins and got to carve a pumpkin.  we will load a picture of it later.

but the good goes away at night and we are left scared and anxious and hurting and people wanting/needing to cut and people thinking about dying.  and even right now, during the day, we are feeling that way.  it seems to be building.  towards what, i don’t know.

lots of times right now we just want to scream.

right now we have this song in our head. over and over

Losing My Religion by REM

Oh, life is bigger
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up

(chorus)
That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight, I’m
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

art done at last sunday’s art group. not sure who did it.

we so so excited!  we aint been able to carve hanoneen pumpkins for a hundred and fifty years cause no ones we knows like to.  and we understand but we still get real sad cause we really really like to.  but tonight one of our friends (we dont know if it be ok to say their name or not in our journal) invite us to come to their house and carve pumpkins!  now the hard hard part is picking which one to do.  cause we gots some cool cool patterns.  regular hanoneen ones, eeyore and other pooh ones, taz and other looney toons, garfield, snoopy, wolf, cats, oh just so many.

we are very happy to do this again.

now if we could ever finish ours jester costume…

i am very frustrated with us that we can’t seem to write on a regular basis.

it seems lately that we’ve been walking a very fine line…feeling lots of intense feelings, but only able to get just so close.  even staying somewhat dissociated from things most of the time, we have struggled with the need to cut and other extreme things.  we’ve also been having lots of bad dreams–being trapped/held captive, being raped.  not memory dreams, just symbolic of how raw and exposed we feel lately. and vulnerable.
we did get really close to stuff in therapy today.  major major memory stuff. mind control, programming, torture stuff.  we don’t know if we can talk about it in such a public forum yet.  some of us are, of course, scared of them getting us.

the man holded our arm and tellin us we got ta cut.  he maked it hurt and burn.  he say “just do it bitch”  he say “it’s just going get worse until you do it”  and other stuff.  we dont know how he make it hurt cause we cant see that part yet.  it hurt so bad.  it still hurts like that sometimes. and then someone comes out and cuts where it hurts and burns.  then the hurt and burning goes away.  cept for the new hurt.  but the new hurt is not as bad and the other.  it was hurtin like that in therapy but of course we couldnt cut.

and we memberin other stuff to.  same man.  he was tellin the other people, the ones he was teachin, bout how everyone can be broken. everyone can be made to do anything.  you just gotta know how.  and the breakin is different for everyone.

and he made us go to a floaty place and then was tellin us stuff.  like how there would be people who would try and tell us that he was wrong.  but we shouldn’t listen to those peoples cause they can’t be trusted.  they gots ulterior motives.  and if we give in to those peoples it would mean we put everyone in danger.  he tell us lots of times lots of things about those other people.

we been feeling so alone and sad and overwhelmed and discouraged and scared and hopeless. and like we so different from everyone cause of all the stuff we know. like the torture stuff and who behind it.  we wouldnt let our therapist write down who it was that did it.  that too scary.  we dont want them to know that we told who it is.

we dont know what else to say.

we hope people dont think we’re bad.  our therapist say we brave.  we dont feel brave. we feel bad.

well, actually, it wasn’t. but it is a dark and gloomy one. we are feeling sad and lost. not even the game sounds good. i hate these times. especially when they seem to come out of nowhere.

sad and alone and lost. and hurting. emotionally and physically. right now the physically is our head. we have been having lots of headaches lately.

someone just sent a flash of our being hit in the head. another flash of our head hitting the ground. in the same beating. so that, at least, explains the headaches. and i guess it could account for the emotions. we certainly felt hurt and lost and alone during all of that.

anyway…i think we are going to go lie down. maybe that will help the headache.

b-12 is good now.  d is not.  d is very very low.  in fact, for the next 8 weeks, we will get double the amount of d we got last time.

urgh.  we would rather have had the shots.  the pills are icky.  and hard to remember.  we never forgot a shot, but we did forget the pill.  grr.  but at least there is a plan of action.

we are feeling somewhat better from our accident.  there is still pain, but it is not as much as before.  we really appreciate everyone’s comments.

so, someone was reading a leather erotica book last night.  i’m not sure who…  so of course they got really turned on and masturbated.  the reason i bring it up is that, as often happens, afterwards most of us felt so ashamed.  i know that this is old stuff…i know that masturbating is not bad.  i think our shame is a combination of stuff–christian (in this case mormon) brainwashing that says it’s bad; programming that says our body is for other people, not us (we don’t have a right to make ourselves feel good); and cuming to “hardcore” stuff…things that are reminiscint of some of the bad stuff.  because, the argument goes, if any of us enjoy that stuff we don’t have a right to complain about the bad stuff. (they programmed us with that reasoning as well.)

of course all this is head stuff…totally not focusing on the feelings.  but sometimes it helps to understand where the feelings are coming from.

and the embarrassment and shame tell us not to tell anyone these things…but dammit, we are sick of holding secrets.  you know, the whole “you’re as sick as your darkest secret” thing.

we’ve had some intense dreams of late, but i am too tired emotionally to get into them.  i will give a teaser though…one featured our therapist, one featured our brother, and a third featured our mother.

anyway…i am now going to kick back and relax for a bit before i have to leave.

J and others

so their little rule hasn’t worked out too well. people have been out that couldn’t care less about writing.

in all honesty, part of the problem has been that we are so blasted tired. and people have been really upset because of a huge fight we had with cassidy on saturday. it left people feeling really insecure and scared. but linda (our therapist) was really helpful with that…she gave us some good perspective and lots of reassurance. and we are hoping a call from our doctor and/or nurse will give us some hope regarding the tiredness.

then we were driving home from therapy…in the rain…still deciding whether we had enough energy to do chorus…and we turfed it badly…first accident we have had on our scooter. lots of people stopped to help. we hit the pavement and the bike landed on top of us.

we are mostly ok…no major damage. but we are in lots of pain. lots of bruising and muscle soreness. and our scooter is ok, i think.

what was really weird was that i was calm as it was happening…i knew it was going to happen, because we were skidding so badly. it was like that time when we fell off that platform when we worked at the girl scout camp…we knew it was going to happen, and we were so calm…and just did what we needed to do to minimize the damage.

not saying it didn’t hurt…both then and now. it does. a lot. but it could have been so much worse.

and would i eliminate all sympathy if i admitted that it was really energizing? kinda like being high. or at least what the others tell me being high is like. i imagine it must be what racers feel…that adrenaline rushing…(i know…you are confused. how can we be calm and have adrenaline at the same time? i can’t explain it) and while i hate the pain we have now, and the fear of losing our bike, i admit that i could become an adrenaline junky.

the others didn’t want me to admit that stuff. they are so worried that it will belittle the trauma of what happened and that no one will be empathetic. or that people will think i did it on purpose. well, i didn’t. i wasn’t even driving. and i had no idea that it would feel like it did. (both negatively and positively) and fuck it. i gotta be me. i’m sick of hiding who i am and how i feel.

J