indigos journal

so their little rule hasn’t worked out too well. people have been out that couldn’t care less about writing.

in all honesty, part of the problem has been that we are so blasted tired. and people have been really upset because of a huge fight we had with cassidy on saturday. it left people feeling really insecure and scared. but linda (our therapist) was really helpful with that…she gave us some good perspective and lots of reassurance. and we are hoping a call from our doctor and/or nurse will give us some hope regarding the tiredness.

then we were driving home from therapy…in the rain…still deciding whether we had enough energy to do chorus…and we turfed it badly…first accident we have had on our scooter. lots of people stopped to help. we hit the pavement and the bike landed on top of us.

we are mostly ok…no major damage. but we are in lots of pain. lots of bruising and muscle soreness. and our scooter is ok, i think.

what was really weird was that i was calm as it was happening…i knew it was going to happen, because we were skidding so badly. it was like that time when we fell off that platform when we worked at the girl scout camp…we knew it was going to happen, and we were so calm…and just did what we needed to do to minimize the damage.

not saying it didn’t hurt…both then and now. it does. a lot. but it could have been so much worse.

and would i eliminate all sympathy if i admitted that it was really energizing? kinda like being high. or at least what the others tell me being high is like. i imagine it must be what racers feel…that adrenaline rushing…(i know…you are confused. how can we be calm and have adrenaline at the same time? i can’t explain it) and while i hate the pain we have now, and the fear of losing our bike, i admit that i could become an adrenaline junky.

the others didn’t want me to admit that stuff. they are so worried that it will belittle the trauma of what happened and that no one will be empathetic. or that people will think i did it on purpose. well, i didn’t. i wasn’t even driving. and i had no idea that it would feel like it did. (both negatively and positively) and fuck it. i gotta be me. i’m sick of hiding who i am and how i feel.

J