indigos journal

b-12 is good now.  d is not.  d is very very low.  in fact, for the next 8 weeks, we will get double the amount of d we got last time.

urgh.  we would rather have had the shots.  the pills are icky.  and hard to remember.  we never forgot a shot, but we did forget the pill.  grr.  but at least there is a plan of action.

we are feeling somewhat better from our accident.  there is still pain, but it is not as much as before.  we really appreciate everyone’s comments.

so, someone was reading a leather erotica book last night.  i’m not sure who…  so of course they got really turned on and masturbated.  the reason i bring it up is that, as often happens, afterwards most of us felt so ashamed.  i know that this is old stuff…i know that masturbating is not bad.  i think our shame is a combination of stuff–christian (in this case mormon) brainwashing that says it’s bad; programming that says our body is for other people, not us (we don’t have a right to make ourselves feel good); and cuming to “hardcore” stuff…things that are reminiscint of some of the bad stuff.  because, the argument goes, if any of us enjoy that stuff we don’t have a right to complain about the bad stuff. (they programmed us with that reasoning as well.)

of course all this is head stuff…totally not focusing on the feelings.  but sometimes it helps to understand where the feelings are coming from.

and the embarrassment and shame tell us not to tell anyone these things…but dammit, we are sick of holding secrets.  you know, the whole “you’re as sick as your darkest secret” thing.

we’ve had some intense dreams of late, but i am too tired emotionally to get into them.  i will give a teaser though…one featured our therapist, one featured our brother, and a third featured our mother.

anyway…i am now going to kick back and relax for a bit before i have to leave.

J and others