indigos journal

i am very frustrated with us that we can’t seem to write on a regular basis.

it seems lately that we’ve been walking a very fine line…feeling lots of intense feelings, but only able to get just so close.  even staying somewhat dissociated from things most of the time, we have struggled with the need to cut and other extreme things.  we’ve also been having lots of bad dreams–being trapped/held captive, being raped.  not memory dreams, just symbolic of how raw and exposed we feel lately. and vulnerable.
we did get really close to stuff in therapy today.  major major memory stuff. mind control, programming, torture stuff.  we don’t know if we can talk about it in such a public forum yet.  some of us are, of course, scared of them getting us.

the man holded our arm and tellin us we got ta cut.  he maked it hurt and burn.  he say “just do it bitch”  he say “it’s just going get worse until you do it”  and other stuff.  we dont know how he make it hurt cause we cant see that part yet.  it hurt so bad.  it still hurts like that sometimes. and then someone comes out and cuts where it hurts and burns.  then the hurt and burning goes away.  cept for the new hurt.  but the new hurt is not as bad and the other.  it was hurtin like that in therapy but of course we couldnt cut.

and we memberin other stuff to.  same man.  he was tellin the other people, the ones he was teachin, bout how everyone can be broken. everyone can be made to do anything.  you just gotta know how.  and the breakin is different for everyone.

and he made us go to a floaty place and then was tellin us stuff.  like how there would be people who would try and tell us that he was wrong.  but we shouldn’t listen to those peoples cause they can’t be trusted.  they gots ulterior motives.  and if we give in to those peoples it would mean we put everyone in danger.  he tell us lots of times lots of things about those other people.

we been feeling so alone and sad and overwhelmed and discouraged and scared and hopeless. and like we so different from everyone cause of all the stuff we know. like the torture stuff and who behind it.  we wouldnt let our therapist write down who it was that did it.  that too scary.  we dont want them to know that we told who it is.

we dont know what else to say.

we hope people dont think we’re bad.  our therapist say we brave.  we dont feel brave. we feel bad.