and by “it” i mean the crushing weight. the heaviness. the voices urging death. the intense feelings. it is hard to gather the energy to write here, but i want to write while we can. too often we can’t.
it is so hard to remember and believe that even these feelings are brought on by programming.
so at group the other night, we spewed forth everything weighing on us. well, almost everything. we forgot to mention our fear about losing our therapist. anyway…. it felt really good to let all that out. and it felt really good that everyone heard us and supported us. and people are helping with the things that can be helped with. it feels awesome to have that much support.
it doesn’t fix everything, of course. the hard things–the programming going off, the horrible and intense feelings, the self harm and suicide feelings–are still there. but it seems like there are some breaks in it…or it is lessened sometimes…or something.
we are actually having moments when things are pretty good. like k flirting with alex the other night. like running into an old (non-multiple) friend tonight who was so happy to see us. moments of laughter with friends.
it all seems kind of weird. we are not used to experiencing such differing emotions in the same general time frame. before it has always been the ugly awful despair and crap for a seemingly long period of time, then a more upbeat period of time, then crashing again into the ugliness. never this up and down in the same day. we don’t know what to make of it yet.
just sent this to our therapist. thought we’d share it cause i don’t think we can write anymore.
we tried not taking the seroquel last night. it is 4:30 am now. we can’t sleep. so anxious. but the voices are really loud screaming that we shouldn’t trust you and we shouldn’t tell you anyway because we are just a big melodramatic hypochondriac. and we don’t know whose voice to trust or what to do. our perspectives are not good right now. the die voices are really loud and so are the cut voices. we can see the cutting. and the voices yell at me for telling you all this. but we don’t know what to do because we are so crazy crazy.
it is hard not to listen to the voices that want us to do stuff. cause they make the feelings be there, so we feel the things they say. so the things make sense.
as much as we might want to, we are not going to apologize for not writing. we write when we can, and when we can’t we can’t.
we started back to volunteering with chorus after therapy yesterday. it was good. mostly. on one level it is nice. on another, there is still a sense of emptiness.
who knows…
i think we are making progress in therapy. actual conversation with an enforcer. we are feeling pretty discouraged and hopeless, but we also (at least logically) know that a lot of that is programming.
song in our head:
I look for words to fill the empty spaces…
I reach for names like little puzzle pieces…
I don’t know what to believe I just show up and breathe anymore…
(Indigo Girls, excerpts from “Despite Our Differences” album)
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