indigos journal

last night really really sucked.  whomever(s) have been self-harming were even more active.  we tried to stop them at one point…someone said, “it hurts!” and the reply from the enforcers/controllers was, “well, it IS supposed to be a sacrifice.”  there was a fair amount of blood.  nothing serious though…no need for stitches even.  but, like the cutting, it seems to be getting worse each time.  and there is self-harm that we are too ashamed to talk about.  meh.  we hate talking about this stuff.  but we are trying.

after taking ativan in addition to our seroquel, we finally got some sleep.  but then we slept most of the day and didn’t go out at all.

it’s good that therapy will force us to go out tomorrow.

so we went to therapy, even though we were scared and not wanting to.  and thankfully we didn’t have the electro-drugged-trance thing.  instead we had the floaty-disconnected-drugged thing.  the difference?  the usual one makes us feel out of control of our body, sleepy, makes our thinking slowed down (like swimming through molasses.)  and, of course, the electro pseudo seizure thing.  the one we had yesterday was much more pleasant.  it made us feel disconnected…from everything and everyone around us.  we felt like we were floating.  our thinking was fine (maybe even better than usual) but we had extreme difficulty connecting and conversing and putting our thoughts into words.

the other thing about the session was that any time we came close to connecting with our therapist, a voice inside would say things aimed at keeping us disconnected.  at keeping us from talking.   such as, “don’t listen to her. you can’t trust her.” and “don’t listen. she’s just stupid.”  as well as telling us things like, “you’re stupid.”  “this is pointless.”  “you are never going to get better.”

and, of course, the still ever present robot boy saying that he wants to die.

i don’t know…we are feeling kinda of stuck therapy-wise right now.  we are trying to remember that it always feels like this right before we break through to a big memory.  that the controllers (is that what the believers are calling themselves now?)  always try to sabotage things while trying to prevent memories and info from coming forward.

it’s hard, though, not to believe the things they tell us.

on a whole other subject…

we went to the park with myriad today to take pictures.  it was fun.  i think we got some good ones.

we’ve decided to post some of our photos on flickr.  what’s the fun of a photo project if we can’t share the results?

what are you waiting for? head on over and check it out.

we don’t wanna go to therapy. don’t. wanna.

but…we know we can’t cancel. meh.

i’m not sure why we don’t want to go so badly. except i know that it sucks to go every time lately and be swallowed by electro drug trance. feeling pulled down…unable to fight it. trapped.

ugh.

plus lately it all seems so futile. i mean, what’s the point?

and then there is that other side…so productive. so functional. talk about dissociative! these two sides of us feel so far apart. not at all related.

and then there is the never ending physical pain. we haven’t been able to get through to the physical therapy place yet. and the new anti-inflammatory drug is helpful, but not as much as we’d like.

but…we got a swimsuit! so now if we can just call the clinic and get that whole swimming thing taken care of….that would be nice. we absolutely love the water. it feels so safe and comforting. womb-like? and our doc said that it is the only exercise (beside the stretches that the physical therapist will give us) that won’t aggravate our hip and back.

our picture taking goal has been mostly successful so far. there have been a couple of days that we haven’t taken any, but mostly we are taking pictures every day. it’s a challenge. but a fun one.

slogans created tonight on http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

The Future’s Bright. The Future’s Indigos.

Wolfdyke Saves Your Soul.

Lipsmackin’ Thirstquenchin’ Acetastin’ Motivatin’ Goodbuzzin’ Cooltalkin’ Highwalkin’ Fastlivin’ Evergivin’ Coolfizzin’ Amazing Multiples.

and created on http://www.sloganizer.net/en/

indigos is a never ending story.

amazing multiples forever.

overheard at a restaurant tonight:

“I believe everything in Indian Jones.”

(NOT said in sarcasm)

we don’t have much time to write right now, but we wanted to anyway.

we are going to work.  then we are shopping with a friend.

we saw our doctor yesterday.  even though the cortisone shot in our hip didn’t work, we can’t get another one for about a month.  in the meanwhile, she is sending us to physical therapy.  and she put us on an anti-inflammatory that is a lot stronger that ibuprofen.  we will see how it goes.

we had a really hard day yesterday.  we were so panicky and switchy that  we had to have cassdy help us get there and go in with us.  that alone says the shape we were in…we like and trust our doc and haven’t had anyone go in with us in a long time.  and the self-harmers were doing more damage.  but we have this cool bandage called tegaderm that doesn’t seem to give us the allergic reaction that other bandages do.  and it’s see through, which is really cool.

we did another therapy collage, but we are not putting it on our site either, because we used someone else’s work and can’t credit them.  it is nice to be doing art.  and we are still taking pictures every day. except for monday.  we kinda forgot that day.  it’s fun to take pictures every day.  we are getting some interesting stuff.   hopefully we will have that other site soon so that we can share some of them.

well, my ride is here so i have to go.  we hope to write more later.

this is a memory we’ve had. warehouse type place.

i’ve pulled the art piece because i used an image i got off the internet.  i don’t recall where i got it and therefore cannot give the artist credit.  i don’t want to cause problems.  i can show the piece to people i know in person, such as my off-line group.

stupid cat wouldn’t let us sleep today.  technically we had enough sleep, but we wanted to sleep longer.  we didn’t want to get up.  and we don’t want to go out and work the show.

robot boy has been real active today.  and one of the self-harmers came out and did something new.

anyway…just wanted to jot a quick note to keep us in the rhythm of writing.  but our ride to meany hall will be here any second.

we leaved the chorus tech rehearsal last night cause a couple of people were being mean and it hurted our feelings. plus they had lots of people there anyway. but it made us feel real bad and then people wanted to cut or something else like that. and robot boy was real active. but we called a friend and said please come rescue us. so she did. and we went to her house and folded laundry and hung out for a while. and we took our panic meds. it helped. but we are still kinda panicky today.

but even though we are panicky we are going to go to therapy and then to chorus dress rehearsal. hopefully the mean ones will either be nice or not be there.

on a completely different note…our hip is continuing to kill us.  our feet have been really hurting the last couple of days too.  cassidy called the doc’s office, but since they expanded they have made it nearly impossible to get through to the doc.  it would probably be easier just to schedule an appointment.

almost a week ago we set ourselves a challenge…to take at least one photograph every day.  for two reasons: to keep our creative juices flowing and to improve our technique.  it has been fun so far.  we plan to create an additional site that is all about our creative explorations, and we will post some of the photos there.  we will still post therapeutic stuff here.

off to our busy day.