indigos journal

while with a friend…listening to her kid talk with another kid…

“reading isn’t natural”

we are very very sad.  robot boy is real loud and constant.  and the hurters want to hurt.  we feel so down and like we are going to cry.  cept we’re not going to.  and we don’t know why we feelin this way.  we talked to a friend and they said we should write.  and we said we don’t know what to write about.  and they said we should write anyway cause maybe it will help.  so we are writin.

we done with the mergency mailing for susan and rainer.  we still gots work for them but we bein done with that for the night cause it was hard work buildin the database.

so this evenin been free.  it the longest free time in a while.  or it feel like it anyway.

we didn’t take no pictures today.  that is sad cause takin pictures help us feel better.

we did dishes tonight too.

it so weird how we bein so sad and crazy AND functional in some ways too.  we not use to that.  we are used to one  extreme at a time.

i am not sure what else to say.

i guess we just need to say that we are here and that we are hurting.  (now we sound like our friend jaga!  they say that a lot)  hehe

it been a many win day. we done lots. we are tired though.

we:

• getted up with alarm an start workin on rainer and susan stuff. we workin on the database part
• meeted with susan to get more supplies for the job we doin
• work more on that job
• have group. we play games and talk and do mailing stuff for rainer and susan
• went shoppin to four stores with a friend
• brought up all the groceries and all the heavy stuff that our friend been keepin in her car for us
• changed the kitty boxes
• organized all the recycling and trash
• taked all the recycling and trash out (all by ourself!) there was tons there cause it been building up
• taked a long shower all by ourself! it been a long time
• drinked lots of water (we not do that hardly ever)

and there still be day left for us to work more on the rainer and susan job.

we feel real real proud.

and they haven’t done no self harm in a couple of days. that is good. we still hearin robot boy though. not as much, but we still hearin him.

we are scared bout our appointment tomorrow with the physical therapy place.

friday therapy was good good. we printed our last journal entry and taked it to her. and we told her other stuffs that we learned from talking to lots of people about it. and she told us stuff about how she was feeling and thinking about it. and we didn’t get the drugged trance thing at all. it made us feel lots better. we are really glad we gots such good friends.

we gonna go relax now for a while.

i think a shift happened somehow.  no one was fighting us on going to therapy, which was kind of exciting.  and when we first got there, we didn’t go into one of the two drug states.

but then…oh, but then…

the controllers were saying lots of stuff to us while we were talking with our therapist.  at one point, she asked us about something. (i don’t remember what.)    and the kid that was out sai, “i’m not supposed to tell.”  our therapist said, “why not?”   the controllers said to us, “it’s against the rules.”  so the kid told our therapist, “it’s against the rules.”

then our therapist was saying how it all happened a long time ago and they (the abusers) weren’t in our life anymore.  and following the abusers rules was letting them control our life and letting them win.

so, maybe we’re stupid, but we shut down immediately and the controllers put us in that sleepy drug state again.  and they said, “see…i told you she wouldn’t understand.  you should have kept your mouth shut.”  and the self-harmers are struggling to get out and harm again.

we usually print out our journal entries to take her, but this one feels too scary.

we feel so hopeless.  we had finally got back to even ground from the last time she got mad at us.  (for the very same thing)

i don’t understand…she asked us what the controllers said.  and she asks us how people feel.  but then she gets frustrated and mad when we tell her that some people believe the people that programmed us to believe that they would always be there and could get us at any time.

should be so easy.  after all, all she is asking us is to go against a lifetime of programming.