indigos journal

we had very vivid dreams last night.  the first one was actually kind of cool…i think it would make a great sci-fi/fantasy novel.  too bad it has already started fading away.

the second dream was horrible, and it is still affecting us.  we were in some kind of group or gathering, and we had to step out because we got a phone call from our therapist that just left.  she was calling because she come to some realizations about what was going on for her.  i don’t remember the exact words, but what it came down to was that it was all our fault.  she was just picking up on our feelings and it was messing her up.

in the dream, after the phone call, we felt utterly suicidal and hopeless.  since it was our fault how things went with her, no therapist would be able to help us.  we were bad and needed to die.  wanted to die.

the hard thing is that the dream has triggered stuff enough that we feel like this still.  the “want to die” voices are really strong.  we feel so ashamed and bad.  we feel like we should just give up on therapy because it won’t help us.  we are broken and can’t be fixed.

i think that all this is more than a dream.  it cuts too deeply and follows our programming too well. knowing that helps a little, but the feelings are still overwhelming.

this is more suicidal than we have been in quite some time.

sigh.

Brandi Carlile

Again Today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It’s words that hurt the most now isn’t it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won’t waste away
under my watchful eye
Because I’m your hero and you’re my weakness

Who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

I’m broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

I’m afraid to sink, I’m afraid to swim
I’m sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I’m supposed to step away

But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again
Not today
Not today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones again today
I’m broken down
Not good enough
The broken promises add up again today

Was it ever there at all
And have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today
Again today

from in therapy with kathy on wednesday.

from in therapy with kathy on wednesday.  no more safety forcefield. 

from in therapy with kathy on wednesday.

we’ve been having more trouble sleeping these last few days.  i don’t know how long it’s gone on…

again this last night we couldn’t sleep.  round about six this morning, i felt an urge I’ve not felt before.  i guess the lack of clothing, especially underwear, finally got to us.  so we did five loads of laundry.

those of you who’ve known us for a while will realize how momentous this is.   it’s not that i dislike laundry per se…i actually find it calming.   but since moving to this building, we’ve really struggled with it.  the laundry room totally freaks us out.  we can barely manage to do laundry here even with someone here helping us.  in the past few years our laundry generally gets done when someone takes pity on us and does it for us.  or invites us to their house to use their machines.

so we are quite impressed with ourselfs.  and proud.  i do not know to what i owe this feat of functionality.  but it was nice to experience.

overall, we are having a hard time right now.  as you’ve no doubt noticed, we haven’t been writing.  five or so weeks ago our therapist told us, out of nowhere, that she was leaving.  for at least six months.  but she may not come back at all.  we’ve been really struggling with our feelings, and the system shut down in regards to communication.  there is alot that was left unsaid on tuesday.  (our last session with her.)

we’ve been swinging between emotions.  anger. sadness. fear. panic. betrayal. excitement. frustration. worry. aloneness. lost. untethered. exhaustion.

no good ending to this entry.  it lives in limbo, like us.

4 Non Blondes

What’s Going On

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What’s in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What’s going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what’s going on?
Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What’s in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What’s going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what’s going on?
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

words of the leaving-

untethered

alone

alone

alone