dreaming
we had very vivid dreams last night. the first one was actually kind of cool…i think it would make a great sci-fi/fantasy novel. too bad it has already started fading away.
the second dream was horrible, and it is still affecting us. we were in some kind of group or gathering, and we had to step out because we got a phone call from our therapist that just left. she was calling because she come to some realizations about what was going on for her. i don’t remember the exact words, but what it came down to was that it was all our fault. she was just picking up on our feelings and it was messing her up.
in the dream, after the phone call, we felt utterly suicidal and hopeless. since it was our fault how things went with her, no therapist would be able to help us. we were bad and needed to die. wanted to die.
the hard thing is that the dream has triggered stuff enough that we feel like this still. the “want to die” voices are really strong. we feel so ashamed and bad. we feel like we should just give up on therapy because it won’t help us. we are broken and can’t be fixed.
i think that all this is more than a dream. it cuts too deeply and follows our programming too well. knowing that helps a little, but the feelings are still overwhelming.
this is more suicidal than we have been in quite some time.
sigh.
I have been feeling like it was all my fault because she kept cutting back on us and we have been feeling like no one can help also. Suicidal sometimes. I am sorry this has affected you so much. It is weird that we had a strong dream last night and I had totally forgotten about it till I saw yours. Do you want to get together after I drop Sam off at 8:00? L said it was just about her and none of us had anything to do with her leaving we don’t really believe it for us though. Thinking about you. anita
Comment by wandering sail — July 29, 2007 @ 3:16 pm
i though it was my fault
Comment by D — August 1, 2007 @ 2:38 am