indigos journal

self harm free for two days now.  it’s been a big struggle, and it’s the first time in a while.  if we make it today, that will be three days!  maybe not the biggest achievement in the world, but we are proud of it.  especially since it’s been so hard.

now to do something about this messy house…it’s driving us crazy!

we left our phone at therapy yesterday.  it really sucked to be without it.  we knew it was important, but we didn’t realize just how crucial it is.  we feel much safer and more connected.  we got it back today, so all is good.

the seekers have had some power recently, and they managed to get what they wanted.  the good thing is that there is not as much shame for us afterwards this time than the last time they had power.  (i realize i’m being vague…i didn’t say there wasn’t ANY shame.)

other than that….

not much has changed.  we’re still working through feelings about our therapist.  (how do i say that?  our old therapist?  our previous therapist?  that has a lot of finality in it…)  there are still blocks and walls in our system from that.

right now we are feeling kind of lost.  where do we go from here?

the autistics are still really close and very upset.  others are also upset and feeling alone.  and yet something is keeping us from really connecting with people.   maybe that is an effect of the autistics, who definitely don’t connect with people.  i don’t know.  i don’t know much of anything right now.

the day started out nicely…had plenty of rest.  it didn’t stay nice.

we have a certain outfit we have to wear when we are volunteering at the stadiums.  this includes black pants.  we never wear these particular black pants for anything else.  what this means is that we need to transfer all of our stuff from the pants we had been wearing to the pants for today.  i’m sure you see where we’re going with this…  we were so organized!  we got everything together for when cassidy got here.

except, of course,  for transferring the  stuff in the pants pockets.  this includes our keys and our ativan.  we left the house and closed the door before we realized our error.  the person on call was not in the building.  we had to get to key.

though upset, and scared, we managed (mostly) to hold it together until after we were finished at the arena.  the on call guy was still not here, so we had to page him.  they are going to charge us money, but we don’t know how much.  the whole thing was so scary and triggering.  this is the first time we’ve locked ourself out of our apartment.  i really hope we never do it again.

i can’t explain why it was so scary and triggering.  i know it has something to do with bothering people.

we’re very happy to be home now.  robbie is happy for us to be home, because the fireworks on Lake Union scared her.

last night sucked. we were feeling utterly suicidal and all alone. we know we’re not alone, but we were feeling that way. it didn’t help that we were feeling really hurt after group this week. but we made it through the night.

last night we started the new medicine our doc prescribed for the fibromyalgia. i don’t know, ultimately, if it will help. what i do know is that we got good sleep for the first time in a long time. we feel a lot better due to that alone. we hadn’t realized just how much the lack of decent sleep was wearing us down. i’m hoping that the drug will continue to benefit us. our doc said that this drug might also help with the anxiety we’ve been having. i hope so.

it’s frustrating how many drugs we are taking now. we walked out of our doc’s office with eight prescriptions. granted, some of those were refills. but still! we trust her, though, and agree with the prescriptions. it’s just frustrating.

we’re working at key arena today with cassidy. working key is so much better than working safeco. there isn’t the hard physical labor, the management is more supportive, cassidy isn’t as bitchy, and key feeds us real food prior to working. safeco lets us have a hot dog if we can fit in a break during the game. the only downside is that we can’t raise as much at key in one game as we can at safeco. but i think i would still rather work key. it just feels better to us.

gotta go work key.

we are feeling sad and hurt and angry.  wanting to say fuck you to the world, at the same time we’re wanting everyone to love us.

struggling with the whole self harm thing.

not sure what else to say.  hard to get words out.

moof is a new word the kids made up.  it is kind of like when the myriads say “meh.”

we did the stupid win list today, even though we didn’t want to.  we are feeling really tired emotionally and physically.  it seems no matter how long we sleep, we are exhausted.  plus every day we are having many panic attacks and an asthma attack every day.

we have an appt with our doctor tomorrow, so hopefully she will be able to help with some of this stuff.

we are really worried, though.  we got a letter from our doctor…it was about how she is cutting back on her patient hours because of administrative duties.  then she lists some alternative doctors.  we are really scared that we are going to lose her.  we are afraid that we will not be able to handle losing her.  it feels like we are barely hanging on as it is.

so we are feeling scared and sad and insecure and panicky and who knows what else.  we’ve spent a lot of time cuddling with waldo.  we’d like to sleep and cuddle waldo for a very long time.

we just update our win list from yesterday.  we had forgotten a couple of things, so we recreated it with the missing info.  We should have a win list from today up soon.

we took robbie to the vet today.  tomorrow or the next day we will have her medicine so we can give that to her again.  we are probably going to be giving her some prescription food that will help her lose weight.  it costs about $10 more than iambs (her current food) for an 8 lb bag.

we worked on a reward system for our task charts.  showering and “self harm free” get extra rewards because those are the hardest ones on our list.  if anyone is interested we can put up our completed task charts.  of course, those who know us in person can look at them in person if the want.

the chaos is in our system is calming down some.  but we are still having tons of anxiety.  using two to three prn medications every day.  i hope our doctor will be able to help with that when we see her on thursday.  along with the anxiety, the autistics have still been really close to the outside.  they seemed to get triggered out easily.  but at least the “want to die” messages aren’t constant anymore, and they are quieter.

we’ve also been having more asthma attacks recently.  i don’t believe it is related to the anxiety, but who knows.

Anyhoo…