indigos journal

second night in a row we get all scared and upset and people wantin to die and people wanting to make body hurts.  and this time the autistics were making this moaning sound when they was rockin.  we taked ativan and it helped but it didn’t make it go way.  we try to look inside but we still don’t see nothin.  our inside vision and knowledge of stuff inside been blocked when we on the outside for long time.  so we don’t really know what happenin.

we know that we been having more amnesia switchin than usual.  that kind of scary.  don’t know if it is connected or not.

we gonna try sleep now.

right at midnight last night we were hit with major depression and suicidal feelings.  we suspect it is related to the before.  this is something that used to happen all the time exactly at midnight, but it hasn’t happened in quite a while.  we don’t know what to make of it.  it was overwhelming…and a struggle not to self harm.

not sure what else to say.  our words seem to be stuck inside.

First it was the life threatening sushi poisoning.

Then it was his mother dying.

Now, his wife was in a fatal car accident.

this man has the worse luck i’ve ever seen.  perhaps it is better that i don’t see him.  that shit might be contagious.

luckily, my new dental student is willing to communicate via email.  i just sent him an email.  the unfortunate part about that is i can’t get a root canal at uw.  they will most likely be pulling that tooth.  and it is close to the front…sigh…i am going to look funny.

but it could be worse.  i could have been in a fatal car accident.

When I rise up
let me rise up joyful
like a bird

When I fall
let me fall without regret
like a leaf

–Wendell Berry

we were at chorus tonight and got a phone call.  when i retrieved the message later, i was much surprised.  i have been assigned a dental student, and he was calling.  this sounds promising.

we are still keeping our appointment tomorrow with that independent dentist, because he can do a root canal for us.  the dental school won’t because our insurance says to pull it.  they won’t pay for root canals.

so…another day of fear.  hopefully it will actually happen this time.

yet again our dentist appointment has been postponed.  this time it was not the fault of the dentist, but of the person coordinating it and giving us a ride.  but still.  we worry that it will ever happen.

supposed to see the dentist at noon.  then the phone call…must reschedule until three.  then the phone call…must reschedule to a different day…

this is never ending.

in the meantime, another day wasted to debilitating fear.

ugh.

just fifteen minutes until a friend picks us up to go to the dentist.  we are so terrified.

so scared.  so very very scared.

just need to say that.

we wish we could take you all with us.

sigh…

so…many of you know that we’ve long had dreams where we are stuck in salt lake…stuck with the bad people.  then, the dream morphed…we would, in the dream, remember seattle and safety but not be able to do anything about it.

the newest incarnation…

our dreams last night started off in salt lake as usual.  but this time we were able to leave salt lake and travel back to seattle.  then we ended up in salt lake again….and so we traveled back to seattle again.  it did this a bunch of times.  we were even able to travel back to seattle even though we were broke.  (many of you know that this is also a fear…being stuck somewhere else without the money to get back to seattle and safety)

the other intriguing thing was that instead of just being stuck with the bad people while we were in salt lake, a lot of interesting things were happening.  none of which feels important…just the fact that we were doing other things while we were there instead of being stuck with the bad people.

anyway…off to see the doc.

the girl parts aren’t saying it is our fault…we can hear the bad people saying it is our fault.