indigos journal

fighting writing.  (don’t ask why…we don’t know)

fighting sleeping.  (ditto)

fighting sleeping won.

there have been many times recently when we’ve wanted to write, but we just haven’t been able to.

like the time we went out to get our scooter to go to a friend’s house and found the area surrounding the bike drowning in leaves.  we were remember good memories of leaves in the fall.  raking up leaves and jumping in.  the kids were giggling wildly and kicking the leaves all around them.  it felt good to be really present in the moment and yet remembering good things and feeling happy.  we loved the sensation of the deep belly giggles of joy.  we love it when the kids feel good.  their giggly joy reminded us of bruce and camp pink shorts.  we have some new pink towels, and when we see them we think of bruce.

we also wanted to write about how we went to the cheap theater the other night to see harry potter.  at the end of the movie we were having mild pseudo-seizures.  we’ve never had them in public before.  i’m not sure what that means.  if it means anything at all.  we also went to the cheap theater and saw hairspray.  it was good too.  and no pseudo-seizures that night.  so maybe it was just a fluke.

and we wanted to write this evening after taking a bus home from working at key arena.  we were feeling really proud because we bussed to and from the arena on our own.  we worked with someone besides cassidy.  i think we were proud because our anxiety has kept us prisoner for so long…and we’ve been frustrated remembering how self-sufficient we were before things fell apart…we’ve been making an effort to try and step out of our comfort zone and try to reclaim some of that.  so we were feeling pretty good.  until we thought about all the stuff we still can’t do…like clean our house, cook food, take a shower, wash our clothes….it’s hard to feel good about such a small thing.

it feels like we are starting to wake up…to take an interest in life again.  (instead of just trying to get by)  we are once again thinking of the possibility of school…or something.

i think it might be time to try and sleep again.  very tired.

we are having a hard time writing, because we feel so ashamed.

apparently,  the seekers didn’t go back to their land.  which is weird, because we weren’t feeling the seekers energy.  for some reason it was masked.

and, apparently, the person they are being with is not as safe (“safe” being relative)  as we thought.  he hurt the kid that was put in the situation.  more than the regular hurt.  he hurt them and kept hurting them.  like usual, we were forced to watch, yet blocked from the front.  we couldn’t do anything.

i don’t blame him.  the seekers showed no sign of not wanting it to happen.  they probably even encouraged it.

though, as i wrote that, some inside were screaming that the kid(s) did fight.

i don’t know.  we are so very confused.

and we had a really bad dream-memory last night.   i think it was sparked by the new woman at group talking about possible abuse by her mother.  we don’t remember the dream really clearly, but it was about our mom hurting us.  physically, sexually, emotionally.  tying us up, raping us, saying horrible things to us.  the clearest memory that was in the dream is of us tied down on the bed with her hovering over us.  she had the most hateful look in her eyes.  as she did stuff to us, she tried to make it as painful as she could.

the past few days we felt so good.  right now we feel like we need to die.  we’re not going to act on it tonight.  even though we don’t feel it, there is a voice in our head that says this will pass.  it’s nice that we’ve been able to add that voice…i hope that eventually it will drown out the destructive voices that are often so much louder and more insistent.

babies scared bed

scared scared bed

no go scared

the middles (teenagers) seem to be the ones in control of the body most of the time this last week.  the last entry was written by a middle, and the one before relates to them.

after talking with a good friend for a couple of hours yesterday, we have a theory.

the autistics were never able to connect with our last therapist, and never felt welcome.  they have been welcomed by our new therapist and have made connections for the first time.  likewise,  the middles have never really connected with anyone or felt welcomed anywhere. while it’s true that most of the middles have attitudes (what teenagers don’t?), our old therapist would get defensive and a conflict would ensue.

so, the theory….1) the middles have been more active; helping us deal with all the feelings related to our old therapist.  2)  i think that the middles have seen the success that the autistics have had with our new therapist.  i think they want to see if they will be welcomed as they are–attitudes and all.

of course, they are not commenting on our hypothesis.  so who knows.  i could have it all wrong.  all i know  for sure is that they have been out a lot lately and have been experiencing tons of very difficult feelings.  and it reminds us of how we felt when we were physically a teenager.

the rest of us are really scared about letting these parts be out.  we have spent all of our lives trying to  please people and be what they want.  so we can’t show anything that could be seen as less than pleasant.  it was never acceptable to show “negative” feelings.  and we have major programming saying that if people see how we are deep inside they won’t like us anymore.

but thinking about the possibilities is amazing.   the middles possess so much energy.  if we were able to work with them, instead of fighting against them, we would be able to do so much more.  and if we weren’t fighting against the well of intense feeling they carry.  and the middles do have positive qualities as well, even though most people (people outside of us) are not able to see it underneath the attitude and overwhelming emotions.

so we are scared of them trying to come out in therapy.  and we are afraid to hope.  but hope would be so nice.  for the middles too.

the other thing we’ve been thinking about recently is our ongoing anxiety.  it seems to us that our anxiety has been so  bad in the last few years.  we take a lot of ativan.  cassidy has even commented on our extreme anxiety so much of the time.  we tried to talk with our old therapist about the possibility of going back on a maintenance anti-anxiety med like we used to take.  she refused to even consider it.  so…maybe when we finally get someone to work with our psych meds, we will be able to talk about that.

it’s frustrating…i can remember a time when we were so much more social and weren’t dealing with this constant anxiety.  by nature we are pretty social.  i wish we could consistently be that way again.

it seems like so many things are getting worse as we age.  and it’s not like we’re old…this is much to early to be breaking down!

anyway…enough rambling.  we need to get some sleep.  we got up very early this morning.

i am totally not seeing the point of therapy.  it’s not like we’re going anywhere.  for that matter, what is the point of any of this?  we’re not going anywhere in life in general.

i just don’t see it.

we skipped working at qwest today because we are still in pain from the non-tooth and also nauseated.

we were fine most of the day; doing computer maintanence and watching tv/movie.  then towards evening we starting getting really sad and lonely.  going nuts alone in our house.   so we went to a myriad’s house.  it helped somewhat to have company.  but we were still really sad and antsy.

and we noticed someone at the front who is usually not at the front.   the energy felt teenage and male.  the way they deal with the deep sadness and depression is to drive fast and recklessly (they did that tonight) and punch walls.  they hit the wall twice at myriad’s before we overrode them.  he didn’t hit it very hard, but he was working up to that.  i don’t know whether or not to count that as self harm.  what do people think?

the sadness is hard enough.  but we hate the antsy/can’t stand to be in our skin feeling.  it makes the teenage males want to strike out or be reckless.  it makes the teenage females want to cut or take pills or something.

and we really hate  not knowing why we are feeling this way.

what we do know is that we felt this way a lot when we were a teenager.

sudden insight…we felt and feel trapped.   not in the literal locked-in-a-closet sense.  but in the my-life-is-horrible-and-there-is-no-way-out sense.  and that was certainly true before we escaped to Seattle.  but it’s not true now.  so why do we feel this way?

yesterday in therapy we talked about being frustrated with the wall that’s been up for the last couple of years.  this wall has prevented anyone on the outside from seeing what’s going on inside.  it’s kept our names away for the majority of us.  and most recently we have noticed a lot of amnesia.  the amnesia is especially frustrating because we hadn’t had black-out switching for quite some time.

we know that a big part of the wall is related to how things were going with our last therapist in the last few years, not to mention how she left.

but knowing where it came from wasn’t helping us get through it…

i guess all along we have been doing the work we needed to be doing.  building trust, etc. with our new therapist.  not that we didn’t trust her, as we’ve known her quite a while.  it is a deeper trust…to trust that we can just be who we are at any given time in her presence.  to trust that showing those deep parts of us would not make her dislike or hate us.

we thought we had that with cassidy.  until we were too much.

we thought we had that with our last therapist.  until she started getting mad at us a lot.

so deep deep down we are hurt and scared.  and we despair of ever having that.

but all along the autistics were being brave and testing the waters and making connections.  they are one group that has never connected with anyone before.  so maybe they were the ideal ones to try.  and so we made progress in therapy yesterday.

the autistics were out, and they showed us a memory.  we will try to write about the actual memory later.  they showed us enough that another kid was able to come out and describe it to our therapist.  and we were feeling so very sad.  and then! and then at least a piece of the wall came down because we were able to see into the valley again!  it was raining in the valley.  a heavy, dark rain.  full of sadness.

all of this leaves us with more hope.  that we are doing the right thing…what we should be doing.

this give us a sense of peace we haven’t had in quite some time.

now it is time to go visit our new dental student.  we are so scared.

a piece of paper with these words, but undated and unsigned.

.

You think it’s over.

You think you’re safe.

You’re wrong!

we did lots and lots yesterday.

• went to a friends house to fix their puter
• went with them and their kid to a school fair.  did lots of standing and walking.  including stairs.
• did an mazing amount of cleaning in our house.
• changed our bed linens all by ourselfs.  including changing the cover of our comforter.  that was hard.
• tooked a shower all by ourselfs.  that was really hard.  we was hurtin real bad.

it may not seems like lots cause it is only 5 dots, but it was tons.

it feels good to be clean and sleep on clean linens.  and since we did laundry on thursday (with friends help) we have some of our new sheets and pillow cases clean.  we put our blue sheet with rockets on our bed.  and we put on our new comforter cover that is bubbles.

we like going to the thrift store in redmond cause they gots tons and tons of cool sheets and pillow cases.  and they are pretty cheap.

we gotta go get ready for art/game group.

baby baby baby bad baby

scared scared

taked medcine not work yet