yesterday in therapy we talked about being frustrated with the wall that’s been up for the last couple of years. this wall has prevented anyone on the outside from seeing what’s going on inside. it’s kept our names away for the majority of us. and most recently we have noticed a lot of amnesia. the amnesia is especially frustrating because we hadn’t had black-out switching for quite some time.
we know that a big part of the wall is related to how things were going with our last therapist in the last few years, not to mention how she left.
but knowing where it came from wasn’t helping us get through it…
i guess all along we have been doing the work we needed to be doing. building trust, etc. with our new therapist. not that we didn’t trust her, as we’ve known her quite a while. it is a deeper trust…to trust that we can just be who we are at any given time in her presence. to trust that showing those deep parts of us would not make her dislike or hate us.
we thought we had that with cassidy. until we were too much.
we thought we had that with our last therapist. until she started getting mad at us a lot.
so deep deep down we are hurt and scared. and we despair of ever having that.
but all along the autistics were being brave and testing the waters and making connections. they are one group that has never connected with anyone before. so maybe they were the ideal ones to try. and so we made progress in therapy yesterday.
the autistics were out, and they showed us a memory. we will try to write about the actual memory later. they showed us enough that another kid was able to come out and describe it to our therapist. and we were feeling so very sad. and then! and then at least a piece of the wall came down because we were able to see into the valley again! it was raining in the valley. a heavy, dark rain. full of sadness.
all of this leaves us with more hope. that we are doing the right thing…what we should be doing.
this give us a sense of peace we haven’t had in quite some time.
now it is time to go visit our new dental student. we are so scared.