indigos journal

we skipped working at qwest today because we are still in pain from the non-tooth and also nauseated.

we were fine most of the day; doing computer maintanence and watching tv/movie.  then towards evening we starting getting really sad and lonely.  going nuts alone in our house.   so we went to a myriad’s house.  it helped somewhat to have company.  but we were still really sad and antsy.

and we noticed someone at the front who is usually not at the front.   the energy felt teenage and male.  the way they deal with the deep sadness and depression is to drive fast and recklessly (they did that tonight) and punch walls.  they hit the wall twice at myriad’s before we overrode them.  he didn’t hit it very hard, but he was working up to that.  i don’t know whether or not to count that as self harm.  what do people think?

the sadness is hard enough.  but we hate the antsy/can’t stand to be in our skin feeling.  it makes the teenage males want to strike out or be reckless.  it makes the teenage females want to cut or take pills or something.

and we really hate  not knowing why we are feeling this way.

what we do know is that we felt this way a lot when we were a teenager.

sudden insight…we felt and feel trapped.   not in the literal locked-in-a-closet sense.  but in the my-life-is-horrible-and-there-is-no-way-out sense.  and that was certainly true before we escaped to Seattle.  but it’s not true now.  so why do we feel this way?