indigos journal

the middles (teenagers) seem to be the ones in control of the body most of the time this last week.  the last entry was written by a middle, and the one before relates to them.

after talking with a good friend for a couple of hours yesterday, we have a theory.

the autistics were never able to connect with our last therapist, and never felt welcome.  they have been welcomed by our new therapist and have made connections for the first time.  likewise,  the middles have never really connected with anyone or felt welcomed anywhere. while it’s true that most of the middles have attitudes (what teenagers don’t?), our old therapist would get defensive and a conflict would ensue.

so, the theory….1) the middles have been more active; helping us deal with all the feelings related to our old therapist.  2)  i think that the middles have seen the success that the autistics have had with our new therapist.  i think they want to see if they will be welcomed as they are–attitudes and all.

of course, they are not commenting on our hypothesis.  so who knows.  i could have it all wrong.  all i know  for sure is that they have been out a lot lately and have been experiencing tons of very difficult feelings.  and it reminds us of how we felt when we were physically a teenager.

the rest of us are really scared about letting these parts be out.  we have spent all of our lives trying to  please people and be what they want.  so we can’t show anything that could be seen as less than pleasant.  it was never acceptable to show “negative” feelings.  and we have major programming saying that if people see how we are deep inside they won’t like us anymore.

but thinking about the possibilities is amazing.   the middles possess so much energy.  if we were able to work with them, instead of fighting against them, we would be able to do so much more.  and if we weren’t fighting against the well of intense feeling they carry.  and the middles do have positive qualities as well, even though most people (people outside of us) are not able to see it underneath the attitude and overwhelming emotions.

so we are scared of them trying to come out in therapy.  and we are afraid to hope.  but hope would be so nice.  for the middles too.

the other thing we’ve been thinking about recently is our ongoing anxiety.  it seems to us that our anxiety has been so  bad in the last few years.  we take a lot of ativan.  cassidy has even commented on our extreme anxiety so much of the time.  we tried to talk with our old therapist about the possibility of going back on a maintenance anti-anxiety med like we used to take.  she refused to even consider it.  so…maybe when we finally get someone to work with our psych meds, we will be able to talk about that.

it’s frustrating…i can remember a time when we were so much more social and weren’t dealing with this constant anxiety.  by nature we are pretty social.  i wish we could consistently be that way again.

it seems like so many things are getting worse as we age.  and it’s not like we’re old…this is much to early to be breaking down!

anyway…enough rambling.  we need to get some sleep.  we got up very early this morning.